Hey all! Long-time lurker, first-time poster inspired by quarantine to read Ramona Singer's 2015 memoir "Life on the Ramona Coaster." It was just as bonkers as I anticipated, so please enjoy the fruits of my experience:
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Life on the Ramona Coaster is billed as "a candid, behind-the-scenes glimpse into the emotional, dynamic, and often entertaining life of Ramona Singer" that readers will find "alternately heart-wrenching and hilarious." As someone who frowned pensively at least once and also did that thing where you kind of laugh but mostly just exhale forcibly out your nose several times during the 57 minutes it took me to read this book cover-to-cover, I feel comfortable wholeheartedly endorsing this assessment.
The cover of the 208-page memoir features a picture of everyone's favorite skincare-and-general-business maven casually lounging on her side, cheekily holding up a golden apple in a way that makes me realize that there is really no non-awkward way to hold an apple. And yes, I did actually go find this weird decorative golden apple I own for some reason and spend an embarrassing amount of time trying out different grasping angles. Ramona has settled for delicately holding the apple as if it were a wine glass with an invisible stem, which is suppose is probably just some kind of muscle memory for her at this point. What I find unforgivable, however, is the fact that Ramona's while silk blouse has gotten bunched up and caught in between her legs like a piece of errant toilet paper. Very elegant and expensive errant toilet paper, but toilet paper nonetheless.
Given the New York housewives' sordid histories with ghostwriters, I wasn't sure whether or not I should expect Ramona's authentic voice to come through the page. But by literally one sentence into the introduction (ominously titled, "A Work in Progress…"), my worries were completely assuaged. In just over four pages, Ramona introduces us to RHONY, (an "equally successful" spinoff to RHOC that she describes as "a truly humbling experience"), to her "successful seven-figure business," and to her dark history of family dysfunction. Luckily, Ramona keeps the mood from becoming too somber by making sure that references to her abusive father are couched inside allusions to hip NYC eateries, her many close friends, and her own accolades. Case in point: "Over lunch at Fig and Olive, a chic Mediterranean restaurant on the Upper East Side, I told my close friend, Joni, and in turn the 1.75 million viewers who tuned in to watch that episode, what it was like to grow up in a fractured household."
Ramona ends the introduction with a really wild paragraph that is more like a bunch of inspirational Pinterest sayings smashed together end-to-end: "We all go through ups and downs in life. I've been through a lot. I have earned everything I have and I take nothing for granted. Nothing can hold you back if you don't want it to. When you wake up in the morning, you have a choice; you can either control your fate and work towards renewing certain aspects of your life or you can hide under the covers and complain about your misfortunes." Part of me is tempted to adopt this passage as a sort of daily mantra to myself, but the other part of me is imagining the face my therapist will make if I tell her I'm getting my self-help advice from Ramona Singer's 2015 memoir.
The first two chapters of the book detail Ramona's early life, as well as her relationship with her parents. And honestly, there's not much to snark on here. True to form, Ramona does a charming job of peppering her painful recollections with brand names ("I stood in front of the Viking free-range."; "I set the table with my antique gold Minton china."; "Mario zipped up my gold Michael Kors dress."). And there are some excerpts that read a bit more like dialogue from an exceptionally shoddy Lifetime movie. For example, in one passage, Ramona's mother entreats her, "Ramona, I pray to God every night that you go to college. I pray that you get an education, so you can have a career and never have to depend on a man. I pray you [sic] that you will be able to support yourself so you can marry for love, not for money or stability. I pray for you to become a strong independent woman, so you will never feel trapped like me." To which our heroine blithely replies, "Okay Mom. I promise. I will go to college and make money and have my own career." Just the kind of absolutely normal response a human being would give and definitely not the phrasing of the beta version of a Stepford Wife animatronic.
There is also a passage where Ramona describes how she apparently cured her mother's cancer with coenzymes and shark cartilage??
Chapter Three, "Fashion Forward," follows Ramona's career from her start in fashion merchandising through the beginnings of RHONY, and it goes more or less exactly how I thought it would. She tells us that she got into FIT ("a very exclusive honors program”) simply by going to see the dean and "convincing him to admit [her]". Which could have been either a very gross casting couch situation or simply Ramona shrieking at a confused man in a grating voice until he agreed to give her what she wanted. Based on the fact that she goes on to tell us that she was good at sales because "I was very aggressive," I'm going to assume the latter.
Ramona regales us with business advice ("Rule #1: Always start high.") and shares some emotional insights (of an ex-fiancé, she reflects that "he was successful, funny, handsome, and smart, but he was emotionally distant -- like my father."). After losing her job, dumping the fiancé, and moving in with a roommate ("that I couldn't stand"), a 29-year-old Ramona Singer decides to spend her last $5000 on "the most magnificent Golden Isle fox fur coat I had ever seen" because it "complemented my long blonde hair perfectly." Don't worry, though. This is definitely not frivolous or impractical but actually a "deliberate decision" to "make an investment in myself." And then Mario calls her the very next day and they start dating, so I'm not really sure what the moral of that story was supposed to be, but we'll just keep trucking along.
We jump to the summer of 2007, with everyone's favorite "prominent plastic surgeon and expert on natural anti-aging procedures," Dr. Sharon Giese (stay tuned -- there is a literal infomercial for Dr. Giese in a few chapters). Dr. Giese connects Ramona with the RHONY producers, who come and film some scenes with her and Avery out shopping. Avery (reminder, a literal twelve-year-old at this point) gets self-conscious that people are staring them, to which Ramona literally rolls her eyes, reflecting that "it's easy for me to block out the cameras, probably because growing up I had to block out all the noise in my family. I shut the cameras out, just like I shut out my father's yelling." I cannot help but picture Ramona as this horse.
Ramona tells us that producers had also seen her at a party "hosted by my friend Pamela Morgan, who owns a culinary business called Flirting with Flavors" (which is explicitly name-dropped in an almost identical sentence in literally the very same chapter). She was just being her "usual animated, outgoing, gregarious self, bopping around and asking questions," leading intrigued producers to try to track her down. This is also where we find the first bit of not-at-all-subtle shade against Jill Zarin -- "Apparently, they tried to track me down, but they couldn’t find me -- even though Jill Zarin, who was also at the party, could have told them how to contact me."
Ramona refuses to sign the show's contract until the producers agree to FedEx her the demo tape, which she decides is "totally adorable" and agrees to do the show. But our ever-pragmatic Ramona has second thoughts: "I don’t need to be famous. I'm already popular with my friends. I already have a successful business…I already have a full life." Also, as she tells producers, "I don't really do all those big charity events anymore…That's not where I'm at anymore." Ramona is mature and sophisticated, so she "prefers to do dinner parties for fifteen, thirty people tops." The producers agree to accommodate her, and Ramona ultimately goes through with filming the show "as a way to showcase Mario's True Faith Jewelry website." Sure, Jan.
The show also gives Ramona a convenient platform to share her skincare line, which she casually mentions "made my skin look fifteen years younger." But actually, she "mostly did it to show Avery how to take a business from beginning to end."
Chapter 4 opens with a less-than-flattering picture of Ramona after what I can only assume is four glasses of Pinot and a Xanax, as well as an anecdote about the first time Ramona met Alex McCord and Simon Van Kempen ("at Townhouse, David Burke's innovate restaurant on the Upper East Side"). You can read this one for yourselves:

Mario and I walk over to the bar and say hello. Jill, who prides herself on connecting people, introduces us to the couple.
"Ramona," she says, "I'd like you to meet Alex McCord -- who will be filming the show with us -- and her lovely husband, Simon." I am taken aback. This is Alex and Simon. The same Alex and Simon with whom I will be spending the next few months filming. Now that I'm seeing them in person, I suspect the reason Bravo wanted us to meet after we started filming was so that they could capture my initial reaction to them on camera. Too late.
"Nice to meet you," I say cordially to Alex as I kiss her on the cheek.
Alex opens her mouth to speak and I hear a grating, Australian accent. Although I may have had one too many cocktails, I know that voice doesn't belong to Alex. Suddenly, Simon is standing up and talking to me. He drones on, and on, and on. I'm not even listening to the words coming out of his mouth. I cannot believe that he won't let his wife get a single word it.
I interject enthusiastically, "So, Alex, are you excited about filming the show?" She opens her mouth to respond, but Simon speaks over her and answers the question himself. Alex doesn’t seem bothered by his interruption. Quite the opposite. To me, she seems like a puppet sitting on her ventriloquist's lap, content to simply sit in the background, smile, and nod her head in agreement. She says nothing.
My head is spinning…and it's not from too many cocktails. I'm annoyed by their seemingly codependent dynamic and I don't even understand why. I try to tell myself to stop judging people I don't even know. How can you jump to conclusions about Alex based on this one encounter? I ask myself. But I can't help it. It bothers me when I perceive a woman is married to a man who doesn't let her talk and directs her every move. Suddenly, I see the connection. Their relationship reminds me of my parents' awful marriage, a one-sided partnership where the woman is completely dependent on the man. The way Alex and Simon interact with one another has hit a huge nerve. Right or wrong, it's personal for me and I'm completely turned off. I do not like them.
"Mario," I say hastily, "we have to go." On the way home, Mario and I discuss the encounter.
"That was awkward," I say, working myself up into a frenzy. "I can't believe that Bravo would cast that woman. She has no personality. She's completely nondescript. She's boring."
Mario tries to calm me down. "Maybe it was just awkward because you ladies weren't supposed to meet yet."
"I don't care if we weren't supposed to meet yet," I snap. "It doesn’t change the fact that she doesn't appear to be a strong, independent housewife like the rest of us." I pause, roll my eyes, and inhale deeply. "This is going to be a long season."

Ramona continues the chapter by once again name dropping "my friend Pamela Morgan of Flirting with Flavors" and telling us about how her newfound celebrity has changed her life, mostly thorough fairly conspicuous humble-brags ("That season I was nominated for Bravos' A-list Drama Queen, which was awarded to the most popular and entertaining female in a reality television series, and I remember one of the producers saying to me, 'Ramona, you're the star of the season.' I just thought, what are you talking about? What does that even mean?"). She describes the Season 2 Reunion as "very abusive" and cryptically says, about Jill yelling at her, that "at that point, I didn't really have the verbal tactics." Apparently, if she could do it again, she would respond by saying "Stop. You're hurting my feelings. What you're saying and how you're treating me isn't right." Which is not a bad thing to say necessarily but also feels like dialogue from an elementary school say-no-to-drugs skit.
Ever our introspective queen, Ramona goes on to explain why she had such a strong reaction to meeting Alex and Simon. I'll give you one guess, and if it's not "my abusive childhood," your guess doesn't count. Yup, it turns out that in addition to her Berkshires trauma, Ramona has trauma for anything related to Brooklyn! As in, she literally says, "Now I can see that a big part of why I reacted so negatively to them was in part because they were from Brooklyn. It had a bad connotation for me." Because apparently once Ramona and her mother stayed with a family member in Brooklyn so they could get away from her father?
We continue our journey into RHONY Season 3, where Ramona wastes no time in telling us that "Jill is the type of person that if you have something she doesn't have, instead of wishing you well she feels slighted that she's not a part of it." Which is…not wrong. Of course, our wise and empathetic maven understands that "That's just her personality. Although it's often riled me up over the years, I've learned to accept her for who she is." This restraint lasts for exactly one chapter, after which Ramona drops this passage:

For the record: I do not have a drinking problem nor have I ever struggled with addiction of any kind. I am an adult, I work hard and play hard, but I know my limits and I am never out of control. You rarely see Jill drinking on the show and I've heard that the reason for this is that she has had problems with substance abuse in the past. I have always respected her privacy, so for her to publicly accuse of [sic] me of having a drinking problem, which is not true, was very upsetting to me.

Side note, out of the three longer quotes I've transcribed so far, this is the second one to just have a random extra word in the middle of a sentence? Ramona, if you're reading this? Please let me proofread your next book. I won't charge and I will also teach you where commas are supposed to go.
We get Ramona's memories of Jill and Bethenny's final fight, which it turns out was obviously mostly LuAnn's fault, of course. "I don't think LuAnn was a positive presence that day…I really feel that she inserted herself into the situation and prevented them from finishing their conversation…I think it's hard for LuAnn to make friends. It's a common mistake we women make; we get possessive and territorial. But women should not feel threatened by other women's friendship. Friends are meant to be shared. There really is enough love to go around." Ramona is truly teetering on the edge of Sister Wives territory -- love should be multiplied, not divided.
And of course, like any self-empowered mogul who supports other women, Ramona goes on to call Bethenny a "scrappy, self-made street urchin." Just like Oliver Twist! Manhattan apartment, Fire Island weekends, and everything! Ramona then hilariously gives her perspective on the Bethenny/Kelly feud: "There was a lot of resentment there because they had met a number of times, but Kelly would always act like she didn’t remember. And probably Kelly didn’t remember because she couldn't have cared less about Bethenny." Honestly, Ramona correctly using 'couldn't have cared less' might be the most impressive part of this book.
We then get a recap of the Scary Island saga, which I think enough people have dug into elsewhere. So suffice it to say, Ramona "[thinks] Kelly has a hard time conversing in intimate situation, especially when the subject of emotions comes up. The way I see it, if you have no feelings and you cannot talk about them or be in touch with them, then you might as well be a robot." In contrast, our girl is "a very emotional person. I'm Ramotional."
Although it's light on the behind-the-scenes gossip, Chapter 5 ("Look Good, Feel Better, Act Your Best") may have been my favorite chunk of the book. We enter on Ramona nervously prepping for an HSN appearance, where she takes "a sip of sparkling water and a handful of unsalted almonds" to calm her nerves. Ah, yes, unsalted almonds -- my favorite comfort food. Ramona explains why television appearances are so difficult for her in a hilariously self-aware line: "I don't have a problem finding things to say, but I do have a hard time taking direction."
We flash back to the genesis of True Faith Jewelry, and Ramona tells the story in the most Ramona way possible: "I researched the latest selling trends in retail and worked with a factory that had on-staff designers to create beautiful pieces inspired by the art deco estate jewelry that I love. Because I had the ambition and courage to pick up the phone and cold call the Vice President of Jewelry Merchandising at HSN, soon I was selling my own jewelry line on live television and through the Internet." I can only hope to develop that kind of bravery and inner strength some day!
The next business venture we follow is none other than Ramona Pinot Grigio. "Like Popeye with spinach," Ramona tells us, "I enjoy a glass of wine at night or with dinner." We hear that everyone had been begging Ramona to start her own wine business for years, but our girl has strongly held principles that she just couldn’t compromise! And those principles are that Pinot Grigio "should be from Italy." But sometimes, you just have to give the people what they want. "I couldn’t get away from it. Ramona and Pinot Grigio just go together."
One of the funniest things about this book to me is the random little bits of business savvy that Ramona sneaks in (or rather, clunkily forces in). Case in point: "When you go into a liquor store, particularly the larger ones in the suburbs, they stack the cartons and it becomes a display, so you can't just package your wine in plain cardboard boxes. I love the way Moët & Chandon is all yellow-gold with black, so my cartons are inspired by Moët."
Because this book is…loosely structured, we start to flip back to Season 4 of RHONY. Did we know that Ramona was the one who brought Cindy Barshop onto the show? I'm not sure how many points should be deducted for that, but I will give Ramona +100 for non-ironically using the word "Jillousy" to describe Jill's behavior during the season.
Ramona gets named 2011's "Mogul of the Year" at the Stevie Awards, but tells us that she was running herself ragged behind the scenes. "I remember carrying around five different plastic folders, in different colors, one for each business to keep everything straight." I like this detail because it makes me think of Ramona as an elementary schooler who has a blue folder for Math and a yellow folder for Language Arts. And also because Ramona has apparently never heard of expandable organizers.
The final straw apparently comes when the HSN jewelry line gets sold at a much higher price point than Ramona originally planned: "Even I wouldn't pay a thousand dollars for my own jewelry and I'm in the top 1% of wealth!" She tells us that she's taken a step back from many of her businesses and doesn’t travel as much anymore, because family is truly what matters. Family, and "AOA Bar and Grill, a 6,000 square-foot, 190-seat restaurant in Tribeca." It's "a lively sports bar that is conducive to meeting and talking. It's a fun, relaxed place where you can hang out with friends, meet people, and network. I personally feel when you go to a restaurant it's more fun in the bar area. Who wants to sit at a table alone in the corner?" I personally feel this book just took a commercial break.
We come back to a scene that seems to have been lifted straight out of a Gossip Girl book (and one of the later, shittier ones, at that), in which Ramona goes to the salon to get her iconic haircut. Roll scene:

I walk past the exposed brick walls and sit in Oscar's swivel chair. I first met Oscar Blandi in 2007. Harper's Bazaar was doing a spread on The Real Housewives of New York City and Oscar was the head hairstylist. I was impressed by how he was able to handle us boisterous and demanding ladies on that long shoot and he has been cutting, coloring, and styling my hair ever since. I figured if he can take on all the Housewives together, he can certainly handle me on my own.
I take a sip of Pellegrino and start talking. "I feel like doing something different today. I want a new look. What do you suggest?"
He looks stunned. "Really? What's going on?” He runs his fingers through my long blonde hair, "I know how much you love your long locks."
"I just feel like it's time for a new look. I'm going through a process of renewal in different aspects of my life. I'm renewing my relationship with my husband, my daughter and my girlfriends. Why not renew my appearance, too? I want to make sure my inner self matches my outer appearance."
He smiles devilishly, "Well, how short are you willing to go?" I laugh. His question reminds me of being on an awkward high school date, where the guy asks if you're willing to go to third base. I look around the salon and spot a stunning picture of the vivacious and lovable Kelly Ripa on the cover of a magazine. I turn to look at myself in the mirror and place one hand on top of each shoulder. "Right to here," I say.
"Ramona, are you sure?" he asks. I nod my head. He continues, "Okay. We won't make it so drastic. I will keep the front of your hair the same -- long layers and the bands -- and just cut and layer the back. I promise I will make it short, sexy and sassy."
"Cut away," I insist.
When the steels [sic] scissors hit my long locks, I start to freak out. I have had long hair since I was sixteen years old. I wonder if I have just made a huge mistake. Maybe I shouldn't have been so bold. I try to calm down. I close my eyes and put complete faith in Oscar. I trust him. I tell myself that I can handle this. After all, it's just hair. It will grow back…eventually. "All finished," Oscar says happily.
I stare into the illuminated mirror. My eyes open wide. I barely recognize the woman looking back at me. I feel like a new person inside and out. The woman getting her hair done a few stations over says, "Wow, I love your hair. You look so much younger. You look fabulous."
"I'll take it," I say, "who doesn’t want to look younger?" I run my hands through my soft, short, sassy hair. I actually feel lighter. I feel free. As I open the salon door and walk out onto Madison Avenue, I want to scream, hey everybody, look at me. This is the new Ramona.

Another important part of 'the new Ramona' is apparently physical fitness. We know this in part thanks to this photo spread, succinctly captioned "My fit body." She goes on to give us her musings on Botox, plastic surgery, and -- of course -- Dr. Sharon Giese. I'm really starting to feel like Ramona wrote this book in a single, stream-of-consciousness sitting and the publishers just immediately starting printing. For example, when discussing IPL facials: "You're in and out in an hour. Youre [sic] face will be red and sometimes your skin will crust over." We also learn that Ramona tried to hide her boob job by telling everyone that she had "been doing push ups." Apparently, Ramona and I were both heavily affected by Are You There God, It's Me Margaret as preteens.
And the chapter closes with an extended infomercial for Dr. Sharon Giese. Just one excerpt:

My good friend, Dr. Sharon Giese, offers a treatment in her office called VASER Shape, which eliminates unwanted fat cells and reduces the appearance of cellulite through the use of ultrasound and massage therapy. Studies on these treatments have shown deep tissue massage can break down fibrous bands of fat, aiding circulation and resulting in an improvement on how the skin appears. I have tried this non-surgical, painless procedure and had excellent results.

Sign me up!
Chapter 6 follows Ramona's "life-changing" volunteer trip to Africa in 2010. It is exactly as tone-deaf and white-savior-y as you'd expect. However, what I was wholly unprepared for were the descriptions of animal genitalia. You heard me. Animal genitalia.

…we encountered a parade of enormous elephants crossing the road ahead of us. We had to pull over and wait for them to pass through. Seeing these enormous creatures in person I finally understood the phase "hung like an elephant" -- it truly looks like a fifth appendage.

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Almost as remarkable as the lions, we saw monkeys with large round testicles of the brightest blue you can possibly imagine, which gave new meaning to the term "blue balls."

On the first day of the trip, Ramona apparently shows up late for the introductory meeting because she never got her scheduled wake-up call. Rather than just sneaking in quietly and making apologies, Ramona goes to the concierge and makes him write her an excuse note, like she was late for school because of a doctor's appointment. Also, in peak Ramona fashion, she decides "to host a cocktail party in the camp's wine cellar on our last night there" and has the staff "deliver handwritten letters to each of the women, inviting them to join me that evening."
Soon after Ramona returns from her trip, the group films the RHONY Season 3 reunion, giving her a chance to show off her well-honed conflict resolution skills:

I even did my best to diffuse the tension between Bethenny and Kelly. At one point I got upset because I felt like Kelly wouldn’t stop ranting about Bethenny's PR people attacking her on Page 6, which I don't believe is true. I didn't want to say, "Shut up, Kelly," so instead I stood up and said, "Oh, I'm so hot," and started walking around, flipping the skirt of my dress. They all thought I as [sic] was having a hot flash, but I was actually just trying to interrupt Kelly.

We've gone a full two pages without some sort of thinly veiled humble-brag, but are quickly satiated:

After that Reunion, I remember one of the producers asking me how I would feel about filming with Jill for Season 5. I told her, "Somehow I'll make it work. I don't know how, but I always make it work. I'll figure it out." I remember her saying to me, "Ramona, that's what we like about you, you're a team player."

Which takes us up to Season 5 and the introduction of Heather ("a phony and a fake"), Carole ("a wonderful free spirit" who has encouraged Ramona to "become more edgy") and Aviva ("a snake full of venom"). We also get Ramona's input on Sonja's mythical toaster oven line:

Heather wanted Sonja to put the muscular torso of a man on the box and I thought, who wants to buy a toaster oven from a half-naked man? If I'm a housewife or a grandmother, I'm going to buy a toaster oven because Sonja Morgan is on the box, not some random naked guy. I loved Sonja's idea to have herself, looking glamorous and beautiful, on the box, but I think she didn't speak up because Heather can be very intimidating.

Ramona does her best to remain coy about LuAnn's infamous pirate encounter ("All I know is, LuAnn loves men and men love LuAnn, so I can only begin to imagine what really happened.") and gives us her impressions of Aviva's leg throw ("You almost felt like she had cut her leg off because her prosthetic is so realistic looking.") before moving along to her and Mario's ill-fated vow renewal. After meticulously cataloguing the luxury goods in her vicinity ("my gorgeous Kimberly Towers wedding dress"; "I am wearing six-inch platform, silver metallic Casadei heels"; "her Badgley Mischka sequined heels"), Ramona recalls being momentarily taken aback "when a vision of my younger self appears in the mirror by my side. For a split second, I think I am hallucinating, but then I realize Avery is standing beside me." God bless Ramona and her identical twin daughter.
The final chapters of the book follow the decline of Ramona and Mario's marriage, ultimately culminating in their divorce. And while she'll never win a Pulitzer Prize, it's honestly hard not to feel bad for Ramona when reading this part (like when she confronts Mario about talking to another woman and he responds, "Yes, I was. Do you want to know what else I do with her besides talk?" YIKES). Instead, I'd like to focus on the real scandal that was inadvertently revealed. Take a look at this excerpt:

I remember the three of us sitting down in our finished basement, where we have this long L-shaped couch. Avery and I were sitting next to one another on one end of the couch and Mario was way over on the far end.

Anything jump out at you?

I remember the three of us sitting down in our finished basement

Anything?

our finished basement

Lower level who? Case closed.
There is also this bananas scene where Ramona admits to literally gaslighting her now-adult daughter about her marital issues:

The most convincing lies are steeped in truth, so I very delicately spun a web using threads of what she had heard and what I knew she wanted to believe.
"Avery, you misunderstood what we were saying. There is a woman who is stalking your father. She wants our money. She's the one who published the fake article in the press. When I said, 'Go fuck her,' I didn't mean physically. I meant, 'Screw her. Who cares what she does? She can't hurt us.'"
I looked into my daughters eyes and what I saw there in that moment was pure relief. Avery is not a naïve person. She is a very intelligent and savvy young woman who can smell bullshit from a mile away. She believed my lie because for most of her life, we were the perfect family.

She also includes an incredibly personal six-page letter that Avery apparently wrote to Mario in the wake of his affair. It includes lines like, "No sane husband would ever bring his mistress into his family home," that make me more than a little suspicious that it may have actually been Avery's identical twin/mother who wrote this. Or maybe I'm just hoping that's the case, because otherwise this feels like a super egregious breach of privacy.
Continuing to inappropriately enmesh her daughter in her love life, Ramona says "Avery helped me put up a post on Twitter announcing that I was moving on with my life without Mario." I'm not sure exactly how much technical assistance could possibly be involved in posting a tweet, but thankfully, Avery was there to provide backup.
I find it really charming throughout this chapter how obvious it is that Ramona has spent a lot of time googling "why do men cheat" and reading the WebMD page for "Midlife Crisis." A few examples:

Most men define themselves by success. Even if the man isn't the dominant one in the marriage, I think it must be emasculating if the wife's multiple businesses are successful while the husband's business is falling apart.

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Looking back, I think he was in the middle of a midlife crisis. It can happen to anyone, male or female, and it is often triggered by such factors as a child leaving home or a struggling or failing business. These potentially traumatic life events can result in an overall sense of dissatisfaction within oneself, which can last for two to six years.

​

I believe that when a spouse strays outside a marriage of many years, more often than not, it's not usually about the partner. I think it comes from a place of deep unhappiness and instead of communicating with their partner, the spouse goes looking outside the marriage for something to make him or her feel whole again.

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I've read that when one partner has an indiscretion and betrays the other partner -- because sometimes it’s the man and sometimes it's the woman -- it takes a good two years to repair the damage.

And just like that, we come to the final page of Life on the Ramona Coaster, which of course gets explicitly name-dropped -- "Life is a roller coaster, or in my case it's a Ramonacoaster." In her final lines, Ramona leaves us with a bit of parting wisdom -- "Sometimes it's thrilling, sometimes it's terrifying, but you just have to raise your hands in the air, throw your head back, and enjoy the ride.
The very last page of my copy of Life on the Ramona Coaster contains the "About the Author" section, so I'll end this synopsis with an excerpt from Ramona's undoubtedly self-penned description:

In addition to her role as the spunky, unfiltered, Upper East Side housewife on Bravo's The Real Housewives of New York City, Ramona Singer is an astute businesswoman and a true aficionado of fashion, who has taken the beauty, accessory, and wine industries by storm…Her entrepreneurial skills have received praise from media industry giants such as Women's Wear Daily, FoxBusiness, and People. She currently resides in New York City with her dog Coco.

Congratulations if you made it to the end of this rediculous story! This is the last chapter. I had several more planned, but I kind of lost interest. Maybe I'll return to it one day...
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DISCLAIMER: All characters in this story are 18+ years of age. All characters and events depicted are completely fictitious...obviously.
Max sat naked on the living room couch with a fresh bath towel between him and the upholstery. The old towel lay in the middle of the floor, a crumpled and slime soaked mess. How Max has gotten to the couch, or who had given him the fresh towel, he honestly couldn't say. Max couldn't remember many of finer details of the past 53 minutes and 47 seconds. He certainly wouldn't have remembered that specific time, except it was the length of the new video file on his mom's phone.
Max stared blankly at the wall, his mouth ajar and drool forming in the right corner of his lip. He was quickly descending into one of the more extreme endorphin highs he'd ever experienced. His brain was delightfully tingly and his thoughts almost completely incoherent. Max was only vaguely aware of his step-mother and step-brother talking by the front door. From the bits he could piece together, Jake had already sent Stephanie a snippet of the video and she had been duly grateful to have her vengeance on the locker room peeper. She had invited Jake to come over that very night so she could show her knight-in-shining-armor just how thankful she truly was. She had also asked him to bring over a copy of the full video. Apparently, Stephanie and her roommates had found the short clip Jake sent them absolutely hilarious, especially the ridiculous noises Max made.
Max envisioned Stephanie greedily sucking his step-brother's cock on a dorm room bed, while the rest of the girls on Stephanie's dormitory floor huddled around a laptop in a different room, giggling and laughing as they watched Max get booted over and over again in his naked testicles. This semi-delirious thought caused the still partially engorged python between Max's legs to twitch with excitement. Surprisingly, Max's left hand started twitching along in unison. Perplexed, Max looked down only to find his pointer finger stilled rammed down his own urethra. Considering the state of the drenched towel lying just a few feet away, using his finger as a makeshift cork hadn't been very effective. Even now, precum oozed from his impaled penis slit.
Max stared down at as his cock in slack-jawed amazement. This certainly wasn't the first time his mom had ordered him to shove a finger up his own dick, but he had never made it all the way in before. His penis felt so full! Max just sat there mesmerized, feeling his monster cock throb from the inside.
A gob of drool landing on his stomach finally broke his trance. Moaning, Max gradually pulled his finger free from his aching cock hole. It hurt, but it also felt strangely pleasant. He was wiping his finger off on the towel beneath him when a demented thought crossed his mind; why hadn't he finger-fucked his cock before? Naturally, he couldn't now with mom and brother in the room, but that didn't stop him from fantasizing.
In his perverted little fantasy, he was completely naked on the stage of the university theater. He was seated on a short stool, with his mom towering over him holding a riding crop. From gazing out into the sea of people, it looked like the whole student body must have been in attendance. His mom snapped the crop on the tip of his huge, erect penis without saying a word; Max whimpered and obeyed.
The audience loved it! They were practically rolling in the aisles with laughter. For added entertainment they began hurling eggs and tomatoes at him, pelting him until he was a disgusting mess. 'Faster' his mom would order, cracking the crop repeatedly on his bare ass. Max did his best to obey, his finger working like a piston. The inside of his massive member ached, but the outside actually hurt worse. He was so hard, so ridiculously hard...
The slamming of the front door jarred Max back to reality. Jake had just disappeared into the night, flash drive in hand. While the past several minutes might have been a daydream, the fact that Max was now so hard it actually hurt was very real. His once again rock-hard cock lay pulsating on his stomach.
His mom walked over slowly, analyzing the pathetic scene the same way a cat might stare at a cornered mouse. Standing nearly 6 feet tall, Sarah towered over her shrimp of a step-son. Max couldn't help but gawk at the beautiful amazon as she approached. Her golden hair and kind, blue eyes made Sarah look almost angelic, but the sadistic grin on her lips told otherwise.
"You little turd," she said jokingly, giving her son's erect penis a poke with her finger. "I don't think you learned anything!" Reaching down suddenly, she gave Max's amazingly swollen plums a playful swat. Max howled, nearly jumping through the roof! It took Sarah almost a full minute to stop laughing.
"I don't think I've ever..." she managed, before breaking into another fit of laughter, "I don't think I've ever seen them so swollen." Instead of sitting on the sofa, Sarah lowered herself to the floor, sitting cross-legged between her son's feet.
"Look," she said, grabbing one of his enormous nuts in each hand, "I can barely fit my hands halfway around them!" Over the past 2 years, his mom had developed something of an obsession with seeing how big Max's testicles could swell. She treated it almost like a game. She would occasionally even take measurements. Max honestly couldn't tell if her interest was genuine, or if she was using it as just yet another way to humiliate him. Either way, he enjoyed it immensely!
"Poor boy," she cooed, lifting Max's balls up away from the couch. "They must hurt so very bad." Max winced, as his mom's grip on his jewels tightened ever so slightly. "You must be in so much pain," she added, locking eyes with her hapless step-son. Max swallowed hard as he felt beads of sweat begin to form on his forehead. He took several rapid breaths through his nose, trying not to hyperventilate. It took all his willpower to meet her gaze, knowing full well that any moment now his bright red nut-meat would be bulging from his mother's vice-like grip.
After what felt like an eternity, Sarah let out a cute little giggle and unceremoniously released her son's testicles. Sore as his balls were, just having them flop back into the sofa cushion made Max see stars. A small, rational part of Max was relieved at this surprising turn of events, but mostly he was just disappointed at a lost opportunity to suffer at his mother's hands.
"Sorry," Sarah said. Standing up from the floor, she planted a kiss on Max's left cheek. "I shouldn't be so mean to you on your birthday."
"You shouldn't be sneaking into the girl's locker room though," she added in a slightly more serious tone, while sitting down next to him on the couch. "I see Ms. Johnson already spoke with you," she added with a grin, as she pointed to the metal ruler markings painfully etched into Max's cock head.
"You were the first one to ever put me in a locker," Max retorted, hoping that a little backtalk might make Sarah slightly less merciful.
"First off, mister," Sarah replied defensively, but still with a tone of amusement, "that was a closet, not a locker. Secondly, it was a prank. It was homecoming week after all."
Max remembered that Saturday night all too well. It was hard to believe that it happened a little over a year ago. Feigning anger at the B+ Max had gotten on a recent biology test, Sarah had ambushed him that fateful Saturday night with what she described as 'an early birthday present for her dunce of a step-son.' He had spent at least 30 minutes hogtied and naked in the trunk of his mom's car, followed by several hours, still trussed up, in a dark sorority house closet. Sarah had strategically surrounded him with the residents' used thongs and had written the words PANTY THIEF in bright red lipstick on his chest. When the pack of drunk sorority girls found him upon arriving home after bar close, that's when the fun had really started! Convinced that he was part of a prank by a rival sorority, they took to exacting painful revenge on poor Max, taking turns punishing him until well after sunrise. After that night, the rumors had quickly spread around the university, forever altering Max's college career. No longer was he seen as just some shy nerd. Instead, almost overnight, he became the resident campus pervert who needed to be taught a lesson. After that, college became a lot more interesting!
"I could have been kicked out of school," Max whined, acting as though it hadn't been one of the best nights of his life.
"Don't be silly, you know Tiffany and I belonged to the same sorority," Sarah responded incredulously. Max did indeed know this. Dean Johnson had been an undergrad around the time his mom was finishing up her doctorate; they were still close friends. "Plus, with the ridiculous amount of money I donate to that school each year, there's no way."
"You know, with the way you're acting tonight," Sarah paused for dramatic effect, "it's almost like you don't want your birthday present."
"No, please mom, I'm sorry," Max responded desperately. He had no idea what his birthday present actually was, but he knew he wanted it more than anything.
"It's alright honey," Sarah responded, pulling her step-son's head to her chest. Max's eyes opened wide with surprise. He had never been this close to his step-mom's big tits before. He could feel his head squish against them underneath Sarah's sweater. "I can only imagine what a horrible day you've had."
While Sarah delivered that last line perfectly, without any hint of sarcasm, in truth she knew better than anyone just how much her depraved, pain-slut of a step-son craved abuse. She never shoved it in Max's face though. She treated all the horrible things she had done to him these past 2 years as 'punishment,' always finding a reason to justify why unfortunate, little Max deserved to suffer. On his end, Max also did his best to keep up the charade, being sure to always whimper, cry, and beg for mercy, even as his erect penis throbbed violently. This unspoken arrangement was just another reason why Max adored his step-mom.
"Should I go get it?" Sarah asked in a somewhat mischievous tone. Max nodded his head vigorously between his mother's enormous juggs.
Sarah disappeared up the stairs to her bedroom. She returned after a minute or two carrying an oddly shaped, awkwardly gift-wrapped item. From what Max could see, it was wider at the bottom and narrowed as it reached the top.
"What's that over there?" his mom asked, as she reached the bottom of the staircase. It took Max a moment to realize she was pointing at the box Ms. Johnson had sent home with him.
"It has something to do with a scholarship." Max replied with a shrug. Since arriving home, he had almost completely forgotten about the mysterious box.
"You got the scholarship!" Sarah exclaimed. "That's so exciting! I can't wait to read the details." Max was starting to suspect he was the only one not to know about his application to this program. He wondered whether it was his mother's idea or Ms. Johnson's...and also what the heck this 'scholarship' actually was.
"Do you want to open your gift first, or read about the scholarship?" Sarah asked excitedly.
"Gift please," Max responded all too eagerly. The two week buildup to this point, two weeks of not being able to play with his monster cock, had driven him nearly insane; he didn't want to wait another second.
"Here you go," his mother said with a grin. Standing over him, she handed him the oddly wrapped gift. Max tore into it, quickly shredding the paper to get at the mystery object underneath.
"Extra Hydrating, Moisturizing Body Lotion?" Max read off the bottle completely perplexed. His heart sank; it was just a stupid bottle of lotion. "Does this mean I'm allowed to masturbate again?" Max asked hopefully.
"Something like that..." his mom responded in a sly tone, a smile creeping across her face. It was obvious she was enjoying her son's confusion. She gently took the bottle from him and began pressing down the nozzle repeatedly, until an excessive pool of creamy white lotion had formed in her left hand. Setting down the bottle, she smeared some of the lotion into the palm of her right hand before kneeling down on the carpet in front of Max.
"What are you doing!?" Max yelped, as his mom took his giant penis in both hands. She had never touched his dick before...not like this! Sure, she had whipped it, spanked it, and punished it plenty, but never anything like this.
"What does it look like I'm doing, silly?" Sarah responded with giggle, as she slowly slid both her well-lotioned hands from the base of Max's shaft to the very tip of his bulbous head. "I'm moisturizing you."
"Does that feel good?" she asked softly, as she gently ran her hands back down her step-son's unbelievably engorged penis. It did feel good, so in good in fact that Max couldn't even begin to form words. He just lay there, slumped into the couch cushions, moaning with pleasure.
"My goodness, you're such a big boy," Sarah said with true amazement in her voice. "I'm mean, it's one thing to just see it, but... look at this!" Wrapping her right hand as best she could around her son's massive pole, she slowly ran it back up his glistening shaft, while pointing with her left hand to the inch size gap between her middle finger and thumb. "Does mommy's big boy need two hands?" Sarah cooed the rhetorical question.
"Tell me," Sarah asked, her right hand massaging her son's swollen cock head, while her left gently caressed the underside of Max's throbbing member, "how long have you wanted this? How long have you been desperately wishing that mommy would play with your big dick?" Eyes rolled into the back of his head and drool running down his cheek, Max was in no condition to answer. Even if her son had been able to speak, he wouldn't have had an answer. Never in his wildest dreams did Max imagine his goddess of a step-mother pleasuring his freak dick. It felt so unbelievably good...too good in fact! Max realized with alarm just how soon this was all going to be over.
"Is mommy's birthday boy going to make a mess on the carpet?" Sarah asked, as if reading her son's thoughts. Max began to panic as he watched Sarah pick up the tempo, both hands tightening around her son's giant cock. Max stared on helplessly as his monstrous appendage trembled in his mother's hands, practically leaking like a faucet. (Clearly Sarah had given up long ago on keeping the carpet clean.) He couldn't let this happen! He couldn't let the most phenomenal moment of his life slip away in just a couple measly minutes. Desperate, Max realized he had to focus his mind on something else, something unpleasant.
While his mother continued to aggressively polish his pole, Max let his memories drift back to a dark wedding hall nearly 3 years ago. Max sat slouched and dejected, alone at one of the many gaudily decorated tables. A cold beer sat in front of him with barely a sip missing. Sarah had snuck him the beer, thinking that her 18 year old step-son was being moody because he wasn't old enough drink. He remembered her asking if he was having fun; he had lied unconvincingly. She had smiled and given him a big hug, before running out onto the dance floor in her beautiful, white wedding dress. She and Max's father had danced and twirled, looking like the perfect couple. His father, still quite strong even at 50, had picked Sarah up at one point to much applause from the wedding guests. All the while Max just sat there, watching helplessly, as his father danced with the woman Max loved.
"I'm so proud of you, honey," Sarah said with a giggle, her words snapping Max back to reality. "You're really making mommy work for it. Look, I'm sweating." Sarah stopped stroking her son's cock for a moment and made and exaggerated motion with her right arm, wiping a tiny bit of glistening sweat from her forehead. Then, without any warning, Sarah was pulling her sweater over her head. Max's eyes practically bulged out of his head as he gaped at his step-mom, now completely topless except for a blue push-up bra.
Max's enormous cock began twitching violently. He had never seen his step-mom like this! At most, Sarah might show her perverted step-son a little cleavage on special occasions, mostly as an excuse to punish him when he was inevitably caught looking (what Max considered a win-win scenario). There she was though, kneeling in front of him, her huge tits bulging out of that tiny little bra. It was all he could do to keep from blowing his load right then and there. He just sat there dumbfounded, ogling his curvaceous step-mother. From her beautifully tan skin to her flat stomach, with just a cute little hint of love-handles rising above her tight fitting jeans, her body was utter perfection.
"Ok, now I'm serious," Sarah said with a chuckle, as she latched on again to her son's meaty prick and began working his rod with renewed vigor. "It's only a matter of time," she added with a big smile.
"When the time does come, you just let mommy know where you want to put it," Sarah said, giving her son a wink. "Do you want to gush all over mommy's face?" She asked, bending over so the head of her son's cock was aimed right between her eyes.
"Or, would you prefer to blow your load in mommy's mouth?" Sarah giggled, watching as her son bit down on his bottom lip as he neared his breaking point. "I promise I'll try my best to suck down every last drop of my birthday boy's warm, salty cream." She pressed the tip of Max's huge dick to her lips and gave it a tiny kiss. She didn't even bother wiping off the strands of precum from her mouth when she pulled away.
"How about on my tummy?" she inquired, laying down her back while still playing with her son's penis. "Do you want to see your juices pool on mommy's belly?" Sarah cooed.
"I think I know what you'd like," Sarah said, getting back onto her knees while still tugging on her son's big, slippery cock. "Would you like to cream all over mommy's big titties?" She asked, leaning in so she could rub the head of Max's penis against her ample chest. It wasn't long before Sarah's breasts, nearly bursting out of that little blue bra, were glistening with her son's precum. "You're always staring at mommy's tits. I bet it would feel so good to, just once, cum all over them."
Clenching his teeth and taking deep breaths through his nose, Max was just seconds away from the point of no return. Realizing that he had barely blinked in the past several minutes, Max closed his eyes for a moment. If he wanted to make this last any longer, he had to let his mind go somewhere else, somewhere dark.
Then, there he was again, lying on his bed in the pitch dark exactly two years ago. His alarm clock read 3 AM, as Max lay there literally shaking with fear. He listened in abject despair to every soft click and muffled keystroke coming from downstairs, punctuated by the occasional shocked gasp that caused his stomach to tighten into knots.
​
Max couldn't fully explain his actions earlier that evening; they certainly weren't rational. He had been so frustrated and angry. He was still furious with his father for running away to France with his 24 year old secretary less than a month ago. Added to that, Max had just found out that his asshole of a step-brother was banging the girl he had a crush on. The final straw had been coming home on his 19th birthday only to find his beautiful step-mother passed out on the couch for the third time that week, bottle of whiskey still in her hand.
Max had grabbed the bottle of whiskey from Sarah along with her laptop. Seated right next to his snoring step-mother, Max had taken a deep dive into both the whiskey and all his preferred choices in pornography. He pulled up all his favorite male bondage videos, femdom videos, chastity videos, cuckold videos, and, above all else, ballbusting videos. He had watched dozens of clips that night dedicated to pain and humiliation, his two deep and dark desires that he had never shared with another living soul.
When Max finally had his fill of both booze and porn, he simply left his mom's computer running, with at least a dozen porn sites still open, and stumbled upstairs to bed. This had been no accident. In Max's drunken stupor he had decided that he wanted Sarah to see all his perverted fantasies.
Max had woken up sometime after midnight to a startled gasp coming from downstairs. It had taken him a minute to remember what he had done. The realization finally hit him along with a dose of gut-wrenching fear. He just lay there, wide awake and in a cold sweat, straining to hear each every little noise coming from the downstairs' living room. As the alcohol in his system had slowly dissipated, it was replaced by ever increasing terror. The minutes had ticked by so painfully slowly that night, as Max sat there in horror, praying his mom would finally just close her computer and go to bed. Alone there in the dark, and still quite inebriated, he had all but convinced himself that Sarah was going to have him institutionalized.
Nothing like that ever happened though. There had been no therapists, medications, or padded rooms. Instead, when the sun finally rose the next day, Sarah had barged into Max's room and began dishing out the 'medicine' her deviant step-son really needed. Max remembered how her voice had trembled with uncertainty as she began scolding him for drinking her whiskey. Before Max knew what was happening, Sarah had thrown him to the floor and pulled his underwear down around his ankles. Sarah had let out a surprised gasps at the sight of his huge genitalia, but quickly carried on with her mission. It had only taken five hesitant kicks to her son's bare testicles before he had ejaculated all over the floor of his room. With growing confidence, Sarah had shoved Max's face into the mess he made and forced him to lick the floor clean.
From that magical morning onwards, Max became mommy's personal punching bag, and he couldn't have been happier! Sarah didn't really drink much after that. Though she certainly would never admit it, Max knew his mother had found a new outlet to unleash all her pent up rage and resentment at being abandoned by her husband. In all honesty, Max took some perverse satisfaction at the thought that his huge balls were being constantly mashed and mangled as atonement for his father's failings. After all the pain his dad had put Sarah through by leaving her for a younger woman, it somehow seemed only fitting to Max that his son's testicles should pay the price.
Max let out a soft groan. Letting his thoughts stray to that special morning two years ago hadn't helped his cause. He looked down in amazement at just how purple and swollen his enormous penis had become. It glistened with a mixture of lotion and precum, as his mom continued running her hands up and down his shaft, polishing her son's meaty cock. Max knew the game was over.
"I...I...," Max began, his voice trembling. His eyes locked onto his target, Sarah's heaving chest.
"You...you...?" Sarah taunted him, "want to read about your scholarship?" With no warning at all, Sarah released her tight grip on her son's penis. His massive member swung back violently, hitting Max's stomach with a wet sounding slap. It was all Max could do to keep from crying as he watched his cock throb fiercely against his stomach, just inches away from the finish line.
Sarah stood up. Wiping her hands off on her stomach, she walked over and picked up the little box. After looking at it a moment, she carefully untied the ribbon that kept it shut. The first thing she pulled out was a picture.
"Your new professor is very pretty," Sarah said, examining the picture for a moment. "I think you're going to like her." Sarah walked back over and handed the picture to her son. Max was totally stunned by the dark-haired supermodel staring back at him from the photo. She was gorgeous! In the picture, she wore a black crop top and was holding a leather whip. Around her neck hung a golden necklace, on which dangled one rather plain looking key. She looked surprisingly young to Max, possibly not that much older than him. Her olive-skinned body was toned, with noticeable muscles definition in her shoulders and stomach. Pervert that he was though, Max couldn't stop fixating on her chest. The woman in the photo was even more well-endowed than Sarah!
"Ahem, ahem," Sarah said, pretending to clear her throat to get her horny step-son's attention. Setting down the box on the armrest of the couch, she held up a letter.
"MAX," Sarah began reading, "I AM EXCITED TO OFFER YOU THIS OPPORTUNITY. I HAVE HAD THIS SCHOLARSHIP OPEN FOR SEVERAL YEARS, BUT YOU ARE THE FIRST CANDIDATE TO WHOM I HAVE MADE AN OFFER."
"See," Sarah said laughing, "I always knew you were special." She composed herself before continuing. "YOUR TOLERANCE TO PAIN AND DEGRADATION IS QUITE IMPRESSIVE. I WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR NOW, IF YOU ACCEPT THIS OFFER, I WILL MAKE YOU SUFFER IMMENSELY. YOU WILL BE PUNISHED BOTH TO FURTHER MY WORK AND SIMPLY FOR MY ENTERTAINMENT."
"After today's locker room incident, I think a year with this lovely lady is exactly what you need," Sarah added with a wry smile. Looking back down at the letter, Max's step-mom paused with a surprised expression on her face.
"IF YOU WISH TO ACCEPT THIS OFFER," Sarah read slowly, word by word, as if trying to decipher a riddle, "YOU WILL SUBMIT YOUR MANHOOD TO ME AT ONCE AND CARRY MY GIFT. YOU WILL BE ALLOWED NO FURTHER RELEASE UNTIL THE SCHOLARSHIP BEGINS NEXT SEMESTER. YOUR IMMEDIATE OBEDIENCE WILL BE VERIFIED VIA A LIE DETECTOR TEST UPON YOUR ARRIVAL. FAILURE OF THE TEST WILL RESULT IN THE LOSS OF THIS OPPORTUNITY. FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS TO FOLLOW ONCE YOU HAVE SENT PICTURES OF YOUR SUBMISSION.
"P.S.," Sarah went on after a moment's pause, "I BET YOU LOOK REAL PRETTY IN PINK!" Sarah looked up at Max. "She just has an email address and a bunch of hearts after that."
Max and Sarah both turned their heads at the same time to the little box sitting on the couch. Sarah picked it up again and removed the final item enclosed in a black velvet pouch. Loosening the strings on the pouch, Sarah turned it over in her hand revealing the tiny, pink chastity cage inside.
"Max...honey," Sarah stammered after a shared moment of stunned silence, "please believe me I had no idea. Honestly sweetie...I had zero..." At a loss for words, her voice trailed off.
Max chuckled weakly, even as he felt the tears begin to well up in his eyes. There was a certain humorous irony to the fact that by far the cruelest thing his mom had ever done to him she'd done by complete accident.
"I'm so sorry..." Sarah stuttered, before Max cut her off.
"It's aright mom," Max said. He paused a moment, before adding, "it's what a pervert like me deserves."
"You're a good kid," Sarah said with a soft smile. Setting down the plastic cock-cage, she came over and planted a soft kiss on her step-son's forehead.
Walking over to the closet, Sarah swapped out the bottle of silky lotion for the dreaded extra-strength capsaicin cream. Just seeing the flaming hot pepper cream produced a pathetic moan from her hapless step-son. Max's last encounter with the fiery substance had been a few months ago when Sarah's sister had pulled into their driveway unannounced one Saturday morning. She had wanted Max and Sarah's help loading some furniture into her pickup truck that she found at a local rummage sale. His aunt's unexpected arrival just happened to coincide with one of Max's various punishments. Sarah had immediately turned to her quick fix for those kind of situations. After all, it was much easier for Sarah to quick slather some capsaicin cream on Max's genitals and say that his eyes were watering due to allergies than to try explaining to her sister why her nephew had a cucumber in his pants so large that he couldn't even zip up his jeans.
"On your knees, mister!" Sarah barked, as she applied disposable latex gloves to both her hands. Max scrambled to obey. Even kneeling on the carpet, his legs felt like jelly. It was all he could do to keep from toppling over.
"Hands behind your back," Sarah order. Again, Max quickly followed his mother's directions.
Sarah sat down on the carpet opposite Max, just a couple feet from the tip of her son's still throbbing 15-inch dick. She squeezed out a large glob of the white cream into her left palm. Locking eyes with her trembling step-son, she slowly lowered her right pointer finger into the cream, completely coating her finger with the devilish substance. With a wolf like smile, she lined up her pointer finger like a gun, the barrel aimed directly at her son's leaking cock hole.
"Come closer, sweetie," Sarah said in a sickeningly sweet voice. It was only then that the light went on for poor Max. His whole body began shaking like a leaf. Sarah had never cooked him from the inside before. This was going to hurt so badly. Even better, for the first time ever, Sarah was actually going to be inside him; Max couldn't wait! He stumbled forwarded awkwardly on his knees, wincing every time one of his throbbing nuts happened to slap against his thighs. He stopped short, his rock-hard dick just a fraction of an inch away from the tip of his mother's finger.
"Closer..." Sarah commanded in a playful, sing-songy voice. Max sniveled, realizing that Sarah wasn't going to make this easy on him. Sarah was going to make him do all the work, impaling himself on her sizzling hot finger. Max took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Waddling forward slowly, he felt his mom's finger push into his urethra. The burning came with it, slowly at first, but it wasn't long until his eyes were watering. He knew he didn't have long before his cock really started to cook. He tried pressing forward, but his mom's finger felt so large. He desperately wanted her fully inside of him, but he couldn't seem to push past her first knuckle. The burning was becoming more intense by the second. Max could feel his face turn bright red as beads of sweat began forming on his forehead.
"Don't you want to come closer to mommy?" Sarah asked in hurt tone. Max could tell his mom was enjoying watching him struggle.
In desperation, Max lunged at his mother, wrapping his hands around her bare back. Sarah gasped with surprise at her son's sudden tight embrace.
"I love you, mom," Max moaned. Biting down on his bottom lip, Max thrust his hips forward with all his might. He was met with a moment of blinding pain, forcing him to cling to his step-mother to keep from collapsing to the floor below. It passed quickly enough though, and he rewarded for his efforts by feeling his mother's full finger buried deep inside his cock. There was nothing for Max to do now but let his huge penis cook like a skewered pig.
"I love you too, honey," Sarah cooed, as she slowly began moving her finger back and forth, finger-fucking her son's dick hole. "Try to stay hard for mommy," Sarah added with a giggle, as she began working her left hand up and down his shaft, marinating the outside of his cock with the same pepper cream that was cooking him from the inside. Max responded with a whimper, his face now beet red. It felt so good to have Sarah playing with his cock again, even if each stroke of her hand brought fresh hellfire.
Struggle as he might, the capsaicin cream ultimately triumphed; it always did. After nearly an hour, Max lay on the floor defeated, his once fearsome cock now red as a fire hydrant and not much bigger than an acorn. Resting atop two comically swollen testicles, Max's tiny deflated pecker looked especially pathetic. Carefully taking off her rubber gloves, Sarah walked back over to the couch and fetched the pink cock-cage. Fitting the base around Max's distended ballsack was a bit of a struggle, but soon everything was in place. All that was left to do was to close the lock.
"You ready?" Sarah asked in a serious tone, looking Max in the eyes. Max nodded slowly. There was no pain, but even so the soft latching sound of the lock closing made Max wince. His penis was now the proud property of some nameless, raven-haired beauty. It was strange to think that both she and the key around her neck were likely hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away. Sarah wasted no time and immediately began taking pictures with her phone, sending them to Max's new owner.
"So," Max began, pausing to wipe the leftover tears and snot from his face caused by the fading effects of the capsaicin cream, "do I look pretty in pink?" Sarah broke into hysterical laughter, followed by Max.
"I'm glad you're still in a good mood," Sarah responded, still chuckling. "There's one final matter we need to settle tonight..." Her voice trailed off as she disappeared down the hallway. Max could hear her rummaging around the coat closet by the entry to the garage.
When Sarah turned the corner again, she was wearing her favorite pair of MMA striking gloves. Max's heart began racing. "There's still the matter of what you did to my poor carpet," she growled with a sadistic smile, while at the same time pumping her right fist into the palm of her left glove.
"No, please...they can't take anymore!" Max wailed quite convincingly. "My balls can't take anymore!" Max's delivery was made all the more believable given that Sarah couldn't see her son's cock as it bulged violently against the confines of its tiny, pink prison.

• Victim pseudonyms are courtesy of winters_vw, and her book
  
• Map of EAR and ONS crime locations created and compiled by krakkadoom.
  

1939

• Kathleen DeGroat mentioned in local paper

1941

• November 20: Parents Kathleen DeGroat and Joseph DeAngelo marry in Elmira Heights, New York. Wedding announcement.

1942

• February, Joseph Sr. was drafted by the Local Board No 508 in Schuyler County NY. Later news reports refer to Joseph, Senior as having "enlisted."
  
• April: Joseph Sr. enters the United State's Army Air Forces, and trains in Biloxi MS. He went on to serve in the US Army Air Forces as a tail gunner on a B-24 bomber.
  
• October 4: Kathleen and Joseph's first child, Rebecca, is born.
  

1943

• September 5: Joseph Sr. leaves the USA ("left for Australia") to fight in WWII. The U.S. Army Air Forces (USAAF) was independent of the Army during World War II, and functioned as an independent service branch.
  
• October 4: Rebecca's 1st birthday.
  
• December 17: Joseph, Sr, is in Italy.
  

1944

• February Joseph Senior pictured holding dog named "Vino" just before Verona Raid.
  
• February: Joseph, Sr is wounded over Australia while serving as a gunner on a B-24 Bomber. (Rebecca is 17-months old.)
  
• March: Kathleen receives word that Joseph, Sr has been wounded in action in the South Pacific.
  
• March 13: Joseph, Sr. was stationed in Italy.
  
• April 3: "A 1939 coach valued at $350 was stolen from Smith and Dakota streets yesterday afternoon, Joseph DeAngelo, 472 Olean street, reported," according to the Schenectady Gazette. The address is the same address where Joseph Sr. lived with Kathleen.
  
• April 8: The Rome Daily Sentinel reported that Joseph DeAngelo of Bath was wounded while serving in the "Mediterranean area."
  
• August 1: Joseph, Sr. was in Nebraska for two weeks awaiting his next assignment.
  
• August: Joseph, Sr was deployed overseas in Africa.
  
• September 30: Joseph, Sr was stationed at Gowen Field, Idaho, for what was supposed to be a six month assignment.
  
• Joseph, Sr. is decorated for his part in a bombing raid on Ploesti, Romania. 1944 Star-Gazette
  
• October 4: Rebecca's 2nd birthday.
  
• November: Joseph, Sr's mother received word he was "slightly wounded" in action while in France.
  
• Jack Bosanko served in the Navy in WWII.
  

1945

• Joseph, Sr stationed at Gowen Field, Idaho, in early 1945.
  
• February-March: Joseph, Sr. on furlough in mid-February to March 7, 1945.
  
• April 15: Joseph, Sr. stationed at Salinas, California.
  
• April 27: Joseph, Sr. departed Hawaii.
  
• May 5: Joseph, Sr is in a location with malaria issues. His letter was redacted as to identifying information.
  
• May 8: German unconditional surrender (WWII)
  
• Summer: Joseph, Sr began an overseas tour in the Philippine Islands.
  
• June 29: Joseph, Sr. was in the Philippines.
  
• August 6: Atomic bomb dropped Hiroshima
  
• August 9: Atomic bomb dropped on Nagasaki
  
• September 8: Japanese Surrender
  
• October 4: Rebecca 3rd birthday.
  
• November 8: Joseph James DeAngelo Jr. born in Bath, NY
  

1946

• October 4: Rebecca's 4th birthday.
  
• November 8: Joe, Junior's 1st birthday.
  

1947

• July: The National Security Act of 1947 established the Department of the Air Force.
  
• August 1: The US Army Air Force became the US Air Force.
  
• September: Air Force was officially formed as an independent service branch.
  
• October 4: Rebecca's 5th birthday.
  
• Air Force Captain Chuck Yeager broke the sound barrier in his X-1 rocket-powered aircraft.
  
• November 8: Joe Jr's 2nd birthday.
  

1948

• August 15: Joseph, Sr. and Kathleen's second daughter born: Constance
  
• August 16: The Elmira Star-Gazette reported Joseph and Kathleen had a baby girl.
  
• October 4: Rebecca's 6th birthday.
  
• November 8: Joe Jr's 3rd birthday.
  

1949

• January 17: Joseph, Sr. "injured four fingers on right hand at Elmira Plant of General Electric."
  
• August 15: Constance's 1st birthday
  
• October 4: Rebecca's 7th birthday.
  
• October 21: Joe Jr's brother John is born.
  
• October 21: The Elmira Star-Gazette reported that Joseph and Kathleen had a baby boy.
  
• November 8: Joe Jr's 4th birthday.
  

1950

• Korean War
  
  • Joseph, Senior posted to Fort Dix, NJ in 1950
  • Per a local New York newspaper, Joseph, Sr. was assigned to Fort Dix, but Kathleen and the kids were in Millport, NY.
• August 15: Constance's 2nd birthday
  
• October 11: Constance hospitalized in Elmira: "Constance DeAngelo, 2, of Milport Rd, cut inside of lower lip in fall on a pencil."
  
• October 21: John's 1st birthday.
  
• October 4: Rebecca's 8th birthday
  
• November 8: Joe Jr's 5th birthday.
  

1951

• Second year of Korean War
  
• February 18: Joseph, Sr. "reported for duty with the 325th Air Base Group, McChord Air Force Base, Tacoma, Washington. Before reporting to McChord, he was stationed at Fort Dix. ..." Kathleen and children "are residing at Route 1, Millport" in New York.
  
• August 15: Constance's 3rd birthday.
  
• October 21: John's 2nd birthday.
  
• October 4: Rebecca's 9th birthday.
  
• November 8: Joe Jr's 6th birthday.
  
• November 14: Joseph, Sr's mother died. Her obituary noted Joseph was "with the Army at Tacoma, Wash."
  

1952

• Third year of Korean War
  
  • Joseph, Senior is posted at Larson Air Force Based in Eastern Washington State
  • Joseph's Senior transferred to a base in Germany in 1952
• August 15: Constance's 4th birthday.
  
• Fall: Joe Jr. starts 1st grade - where?
  
• October 4: Rebecca's 10th birthday.
  
• October 21: John's 3rd birthday.
  
• November 8: Joe Jr's 7th birthday.
  

1953

• End of Korean War
  
  • Joseph DeAngelo Sr's brother was a World War II and Korean War veteran, who received a Purple Heart, and is buried at Arlington National Cemetery.
  • Joseph Senior based in Germany in 1953
• July: Jack Bosanko's son Michael is born
  
• August 15: Constance's 5th birthday.
  
• Fall: Joe Jr. starts 2nd grade - Germany?
  
• October 4: Rebecca's 11th birthday.
  
• October 21: John's 4th birthday.
  
• November 8: Joe Jr's 8th birthday
  

1954

• Joseph DeAngelo Sr. served in the US Air Force and the family moved frequently because of his job.
  
• Joseph Senior based in Germany in 1954
  
• Constance's son says:
  

  The four kids grew up in an abusive household where Joseph Senior physically assaulted Kathleen, and in turn, Kathleen abused Constance. "She would hit my mom all the time," Ryland said, adding that his mother would at times wear two pairs of pants to lessen the blow. "I'm pretty positive they were all abused like that."
  After one violent incident on a base in Germany, military police warned Joe Sr. he would be kicked out of the Air Force if he hurt Kathleen again.
  

• August 15: Constance's 6th birthday.
  
• Fall: Joe Jr. starts 3rd grade - Germany?
  
• October 4: Rebecca's 12th birthday.
  
• October 21: John's 5th birthday.
  
• November 8: Joe Jr's 9th birthday.
  

1955

• Joseph, Senior based in Germany at the start of 1955
  
• July 19: Joseph Sr, Kathleen, and all four children departed Frankfurt, Germany, at 12:34 am arriving at Torbay Air Force Base in Newfoundland at 11:23pm on July 19, before continuing to McGuire Air Force Base in Wrightstown, N.J.
  
  • Military records show the family transported when Constance was six and Joe Jr. was 9.
• August 15: Constance's 7th birthday.
  
• According to Constance's son:
  

  At some point after Constance's seventh birthday: Joe, Jr. and Constance are playing in an abandoned warehouse. Two men approach and rape Constance while nine-year-old Joseph looks on helplessly. Constance's son said the when Constance and Joe Junior told their parents about the rape, the kids were instructed never to discuss it.
  

• Fall: Joe Jr's starts 4th grade - McGuire AFB in New Jersey?
  
• October 4: Rebecca's 13th birthday.
  
• October 21: John's 6th birthday.
  
• November 8: Joe Jr's 10th birthday
  

1956

• Joseph, Senior based in New York at the start of 1956
  
• Spring: Joe, Jr. finishes 4th grade - where?
  
• August 15: Constance's 8th birthday.
  
• Fall: Joe Jr. starts 5th grade
  
• October 4: Rebecca's 14th birthday.
  
• October 21: John's 7th birthday.
  
• November 8: Joe Jr's 11th birthday
  
• By the end of 1956, Joseph, Senior is based in Novato, CA in support of a Van Nuys, CA based squadron. Unclear if Joseph Senior ever lived in Van Nuys.
  

1957

• Joseph, Senior is based in Novato, CA
  
• Spring: Joe, Jr. finishes 5th grade - Novato?
  
• August 15: Constance's 9th birthday.
  
• Fall: Joe Jr. starts 6th grade - Novato?
  
• October 4: Rebecca's 15th birthday
  
• October 21: John's 8th birthday.
  
• November 8: Joe Jr's 12th birthday
  
• By the end of 1957 Joseph, Senior is still based in Novato, CA in support of a Van Nuys, CA based squadron. Unclear if Joseph Senior ever lived in Van Nuys.
  

1958

• At the beginning of 1958, Joseph Senior is based in Novato, CA
  
• Spring: Joe Jr. finishes 6th grade - Novato?
  
• August 15: Constance's 10th birthday.
  
• Fall: Joe Jr. starts 7th grade - Novato?
  
• October 4: Rebecca's 16th birthday.
  
• October 21: John's 9th birthday.
  
• November 8: Joe Jr's 13th birthday
  
• By the end of 1958 Joseph, Senior is still based in Novato, CA in support of a Van Nuys, CA based squadron. Unclear if Joseph Senior ever lived in Van Nuys.
  

1959

• At the beginning of 1959, Joseph Senior is based in Novato, CA
  
• Joseph, Senior transferred in Mather Air Force Base in 1959.
  
• Joseph Sr and Kathleen purchased a small home in Rancho Cordova at 10605 Olson Drive.
  
• Spring: Joe Jr. finishes 7th grade - Novato?
  
• August 15: Constance's 11th birthday.
  
• Fall: Joe Jr starts 8th grade. Novato?
  
• Fall: [Sharon Huddle's sister gets married]
  
• October 4: Rebecca's 17th birthday.
  
• October 21: John's 10th birthday.
  
• November 8: Joe Jr's 14th birthday
  
• December 12: Jack Bosanko's uncle passes away in Arcadia
  
• At the end of 1959 Joseph Senior is still based at Mather Air Force Base
  

1960

• Joseph Senior is still based at Mather Air Force Base
  
• Records indicate Joseph Sr and Kathleen live in a small home in Rancho Cordova at 10605 Olson Drive.
  
  • 1960 Phone book
• Spring/Summer: Joe Jr's end of 8th grade year. Joe Jr. did not go to Mills Jr. High School for 8th grade? Was he in school in Novato in 8th grade?
  
• August 15: Constance's 12th birthday.
  
• Fall: Joe Jr. starts Mills Junior High School in Rancho Cordova as a Ninth Grader
  
  • Photo
  • Ninth Grade "Class of 61" Yearbook page
  • Ninth Grade "Class of 61" Yearbook page
  • Ninth Grade Yearbook page
• After moving to Rancho Cordova, Joe Jr. befriends the Schneider family who lived around the corner. Referred to as his "second family." Mike was a year older than Joe, Larry was a year younger than Joe, Judy was two years younger than Joe, and Gary was five years younger than Joe. The other kids were between eight years younger and 16 years younger than Joe. According to "Man in the Window" podcast:
  

  Joe started coming round as a schoolmate of Judy's brothers. In no time, he was calling Judy’s parents “Mom” and “Pop.” They treated Joe like their 10th child, even put his class picture on the shelf next to the rest of the kids. The boys had the run of Rancho Cordova, not yet an incorporated town, half of it still in abandoned grape vineyards. They jumped fences, ran canals, gigged frogs and shot rabbits. Joe beat up a jerk at school.
  

• October 4: Rebecca's 18th birthday
  
• October 21: John's 11th birthday - fifth grade?
  
• November 8: Joe Jr's 15th birthday
  
• At the end of 1960 Joseph Senior is still based at Mather Air Force Base.
  
• At some point in 1960, the family moves to Portsmouth Drive in Rancho Cordova.
  

1961

• Joseph Senior is still based at Mather Air Force Base
  
• The DeAngelo family have moved from Olson Drive and now lives on Portsmouth Drive.
  
• Spring: Joe Jr's end of Ninth Grade (last and only year at Mills?)
  
• August 15: Constance's 13th birthday.
  
• Fall:
  
  • Joe Jr. starts Folsom High School as a Sophomore
  • Sophomore Year Photo
  • Page from the 1961-1962 Yearbook
  • Rancho Cordova kids had to be bused to Folsom because there was no other high school. Cordova High School was not yet finished.
• October 4: Rebecca's 19th birthday.
  
• October 21: John's 12th birthday. - sixth grade?
  
• November 8: Joe Jr's 16th birthday
  
• At the end of 1961 Joseph Senior is still based at Mather Air Force Base
  
• At some point in 1961, the family moves from Portsmouth Drive to Abington Way.
  

1962

• Joseph Senior is still based at Mather Air Force Base
  
• The DeAngelo family is living on Abington Way, in Rancho Cordova.
  
• Joe Jr. plays baseball for Folsom High School JV Baseball Team Photo
  
• Exact Date unknown: Gary Schneider later told law enforcement: DeAngelo was attacked by a German Shepherd when he and Gary, as teenagers, burglarized a house in Gold River. Angry at the dog, DeAngelo set it on fire with a M-80 firecracker.
  
• Early Summer: End of Sophomore year for Joseph, Jr.
  
• At some point in 1962, Joseph Senior is transferred to Korea. The family stays in Rancho Cordova.
  
• August 15: Constance's 14th birthday.
  
• Fall: Start of Joe Jr's Junior Year. (No evidence that Joe Jr. attended high school his Junior year.)
  
• October 4: Rebecca's 20th birthday.
  
• October 21: John's 13th birthday - 7th grade
  
• November 8: Joe Jr's 17th birthday.
  
• Date Approximate | According to Judy Schneider:
  

  [Joe] took one of Judy’ Schneider's friends up to a cabin, where he proposed; the girl rejected him. Joe sneaked sips of sloe gin from a bottle in his pocket. Joe worked on cars. Judy’s mother sat Joe down with the rest of the boys for discussions about girls. She thought of him as her sixth son. Judy’s oldest sister became the closest thing to a confidant. But in the nearly 50 years she and her siblings knew Joe, he never really talked about himself or his feelings.
  

1963

• At the beginning of 1963, Joseph Senior is still based in Korea.
  
• The DeAngelo family lives in a house on Abington Way in Rancho Cordova.
  
• At some point in 1963, Joseph Senior is transferred to Orlando (McCoy AFB) where he files for divorce from Kathleen.
  
• Spring: End of Joe Jr's Junior year of high school. No records that he attended school his junior year.
  
• Date approximate | According to Judy Schneider:
  

  Joe’s best friend was Judy’s oldest brother, Mike. Mike quit high school his senior year to enlist in the military.
  

• August 15: Constance's 15th birthday.
  
• Fall:
  
  • Start of what would have been Joe Jr's senior year of high school. (He did not attend high school his senior year.)
  • John starts 8th grade? Mills Junior High School picture of John purportedly from 1963
  • Fall: First year of Cordova High School [Three year school, sophomore, junior, senior]
• October 4: Rebecca's 21st birthday.
  
• October 21: John's 14th birthday.
  
• November 8: Joe Jr's 18th birthday
  
• November 22: John F. Kennedy assassinated.
  
• At the end of 1963, Joseph Senior is still based in Orlando, FL
  

1964

• At the beginning of 1964, Joseph Senior is still based in Orlando, FL
  
• Records indicate Joseph Sr and Kathleen own a home on Abington Way in Rancho Cordova.
  
• According to Man in the Window Podcast: The year after Mike Schneider quit school to enlist, Joe did the same.
  
• June 5: The San Francisco Chronicle had a classified ad for parakeets with the phone number 363-8089:
  
• June: Joe Jr. received GED. This article says DeAngelo graduated high school in 1964
  
• August 15: Constance's 16th birthday.
  
  • According Buzzfeed, Constance (16) married Ken Ryland (17) in 1964.
• Fall:
  
  • Second year of Cordova High School open to students. During this year, Cordova High School accepted Freshmen and was a four year school.
  • September: Kathleen and Joseph Senior's divorce in finalized in Lake County, FL in 1964.
  • September: Joe Jr. enlists in US Navy. (Four year enlistment)
  • October 4: Rebecca's 22nd birthday.
  • October 8, Auburn Journal: Joseph James DeAngelo is undergoing basic training at Naval Training Center, San Diego - Indicates Kathleen is living in Auburn.
  • October 21: John's 15th birthday - 9th grade
• November 8: Joe Jr's 19th birthday
  
• December 17, Auburn Journal: Joseph James DeAngelo has completed basic training at the Recruit Training Comman, US Naval Training Center, San Diego
  
• At the end of 1964, Joseph Senior is still based in Orlando, FL
  

1965

• At the beginning of 1965, Joseph Senior is still based in Orlando, FL
  
• January: Canberra deployed to West Pacific Vietnam
  
  • Joe Jr is Fireman (FN) in the Navy on the USS Canberra in 1965. He served on large ships that bombed the Viet Cong from a distance. He lost his finger tip via a rolling drum.
  • According to "Man in the Window" podcast: Joe wanted to fly planes, but the Navy put him in the galley, then below deck as a mechanic.
  • 1965 Canberra Cruise Photo.
  • 3 deployments on the Canberra [1965-1967] - about "22 months-in combat"
• February 6: Kathleen married Percy "Jack" Bosanko (a welder) in 1965. They married in Tulare, California. (20 minutes South of Visalia)
  
  • Jack has at least one son from a previous marriage, Michael, age 12
  • Jack Bosanko worked at Sierra Crane & Hoist Company (in Newcastle) as a welder building indoor overhead cranes.
  • Kathleen worked at Denny’s in Auburn. Now closed/demolished.
• February: Constance lives in Auburn and obtains a marriage license.
  
  • Constance's first child is born. Child #1 of 6 (Wes) - Constance is 16.
  • August 15: Constance's 17th birthday.
• Fall:
  
  • Third year of Cordova High School open to students. Yearbook does not show Freshman/9th graders
  • October 4: Rebecca's 23rd birthday.
  • October 21: John's 16th birthday. Attends Placer High School in Auburn? 10th grade?
• July: USS Canberra ends deployment to West Pacific Vietnam.
  
  • Canberra has been at sea - with Joe Jr. on board - for seven months.
  • End of Joe Jr's first deployment.
• SummeFall 1965: Joe Jr. not deployed. No records for his whereabouts.
  
• November 8: Joe Jr's 20th birthday
  
• By the end of 1965, Jack Senior has been transferred to Korea.
  

1966

• Jack Senior is based in Korea.
  
• Joe Jr. is AWOL for three days while in the USA in 1966. Exact dates unknown.
  
• February: Joe Jr. is a Fireman (FN) on the USS Canberra, deployed to West Pacific Vietnam in February of 1966. 1966 Canberra Cruise Photo.
  
  • This article reports that Joe Jr. served for 22 months "in combat."
• August 15: Constance's 18th birthday.
  
• October 4: Rebecca's 24th birthday.
  
• October 21: John's 17th birthday. Attends Placer High School? 11th grade? Dropped out?
  
• November 8: Joe Jr's 21st birthday
  

1967

• Joseph Senior is still based in Korea
  
• Joe Jr. is a 2nd class Damage Controlman (DC2) on the USS Canberra. 1967 Canberra Cruise Photo.
  
  • April: Canberra Shellback Initiation.
  • June: USS Canberra ends second deployment to West Pacific Vietnam. Canberra has been at sea (with Joe Jr. on board) for approximately five months.
  • June 1: Auburn Journal Article announces Joe Jr. (aboard the Canberra) is docking in San Diego on this day. After serving on the gun line in North Vietnam, Joe Jr. will be "home on leave." Another version.. Kathleen and Jack live in Auburn.
  • Joe Jr. visiting his adoptive family - The Schneiders - while home on leave. Exact date of the photo unknown.
• Bonnie High School Picture
  
• August 15: Constance's 19th birthday.
  
• September: Canberra deployed again. Joe Jr's third deployment on the Canberra. Date for end of Joe Jr's third deployment unknown.
  
• October 4: Rebecca's 25th birthday.
  
• October 21: John's 18th birthday. Attends Placer High School? 12th grade? Dropped out?
  
• November 8: Joe Jr's 22nd birthday
  

1968

• Joseph Senior is still based in Korea
  
• January 30 - March 28: First wave of Tet Offensive.
  
• March: Piedmont deployed to West Pacific Vietnam
  
  • Joe Jr. is a 2nd class Damage Controlman (DC2) on the USS Piedmont in 1968. 1968 Piedmont Cruise Photo.
  • Photo with Joe Jr. pointed out.
  • Joe Jr: 1 non-combat deployment on the Piedmont in 1968.
• June: John graduates Placer High School? Or graduated the year before? Or dropped out?
  
• June: Bonnie's High School Graduation Picture?
  
• August 15: Constance's 20th birthday.
  
  • Constance's first daughter born in 1968. Child #2 of 6 (Angela)
• August: Joe Jr. enrolls in Sierra College in Rocklin, California.
  
• Bonnie also enrolls in Sierra College?
  
• September:
  
  • Piedmont ends deployment to West Pacific Vietnam
  • Joe Jr's four year enlistment period has been fulfilled. Joe Jr. is exempt from the draft, no standby, no ready reserves. Joe Jr. receives GI Bill for college $175.00/month ($1,200.00 in 2018 dollars) as long as he kept meeting the Navy’s enrollment requirements.
  • According to "Man in the Window" podcast: Joe spent three years at sea, on the Canberra and the Piedmont, then a year in the Naval Reserve before being honorably discharged back to California. His mother had now married the welder, and Joe moved in with them in the hills outside Auburn."
  • Joe Jr. is living in Auburn with Kathleen and Jack Bosanko.
  • Joe Jr. begins attending Sierra College in Rocklin. He is 22.
  • Bonnie begins attending Sierra Collge
• October 4: Rebecca's 26th birthday.
  
• October 21: John's 19th birthday. John is working as welder at Sierra Crane & Hoist Company (in Newcastle). Looks like his step-dad, Jack Bosanko, helped John and Joseph, Jr. get jobs there. John is dating a girl who is 16.
  
• November 8: Joe Jr's 23rd birthday
  
• November 13: John gets married. John is 19. Terry Rae is 16.
  
• November 21: John's wedding announcement in the Auburn Journal
  

1969

• Joseph Senior is still based in Korea
  
• Joe Jr. attending Sierra College in Rocklin
  
• Rebecca moves to Exeter.
  
• Spring: Joe Jr. end of first year at Sierra College in Rocklin?
  
• August: John enters the Army
  
• August 15: Constance's 21st birthday.
  
• Fall:
  
  • Sharon Huddle starts Senior Year at San Juan High School
  • Joe Jr. starts second year at Sierra College in Rocklin. Sophomore year.
  • Bonnie starts second year at Sierra College. Sophomore year.
  • While attending Sierra College, Bonnie works as a lab assistant in the "Science Department."
  • Joe Jr. meets Bonnie at Sierra college - He is 23. She is 18.
  • Bonnie and Joe Jr. at a family gathering for her 19th birthday
  • Bonnie at age 19.
  • Joe Jr. with Owl at the Science Department where Bonnie worked.
• October 4: Rebecca's 27th birthday.
  
• October 21: John's 20th birthday.
  
• November 8: Joe Jr's 24th birthday
  
• Joseph Senior is 314th Air Division at Osan AFB, Korea, in November, 1969. By then he had over 20 years of service in the AF so he could have retired. However, the reenlistment bonuses were good for experienced NCOS with special skills. Plus he may already may have had to support his 2nd family in Korea.
  

1970

• March: Bonnie and Joe Jr. make the honor role at Sierra College.
  
• April 27: The Sacramento Bee ran a classified ad for a 57 Chevy with the phone number 363-8089
  
• May 14: Joe Jr. engaged to Bonnie. Engagement Announcement in the Auburn Journal
  
• Joe Jr. is still friends with The Schneiders. He lets Mrs. Schneider use his Road Runner, and he hangs out with the boys at the bar for a drink. Joe Jr. introduces the Schneider friends to Bonnie. He brings the owl to their house, and works on radio controlled model boats with the Schneider grandkids.
  
• June: Sharon Huddle graduates from San Juan High School in Citrus Heights
  
• June 12: Joe Jr. graduates Sierra College with honors; with an Associate's Degree in Police Science. Bonnie graduates, too.
  
• July: Joe Jr. poses with Bonnie's family.
  
• August: John DeAngelo fighting in Vietnam for 1 year
  
• August 15: Constance's 22nd birthday.
  
• October 1: US Department of Veterans Affairs indicates Joseph Senior re-enlisted on October 1, 1970, exactly 4 years after his prior reenlistment. (Third enlistment)
  
• October 4: Rebecca's 28th birthday.
  
• October 21: John's 21st birthday.
  
• October 24: The Sacramento Bee ran a classified ad for a 66 Mustang convertible with the phone number 363-8089.
  
• November 8: Joe Jr. 25th birthday
  
• Joe Jr. worked for his step-father at Sierra Crane & Hoist Company (in Newcastle) around this time.
  

1971

• Winter: Joe Jr. enrolls in California State University Sacramento. Bonnie enrolls, too.
  
• Spring:
  
  • After pressing her to help him cheat at school, Bonnie breaks up with Joe.
  • Days after the breakup, Bonnie saw Joe in psychology class, holding hands with an unfamiliar girl.
  • A few more days later, Bonnie was sleeping when she heard tapping on her bedroom window. She opened the curtain to see DeAngelo standing there with a handgun. Joe Jr. told her to get dressed and said he was taking her to Reno. Bonnie got her Dad, who told her to lock herself in the bathroom. Bonnie's father talked Joe down for about two hours. Joe eventually left, and Bonnie and her family returned to bed.
  • Terrified, Bonnie dropped out of school for a semester and changed her major to laboratory sciences.
• April: Sharon Huddle is 18
  
• April 11: John DeAngelo loses a finger at Chu Lai in Vietnam. Later hospitalized in Guam. John was an Artilleryman in the 23rd Infantry.
  
• May 6: Auburn Journal announces that John is returning home from Vietnam in the next two weeks.
  
• August 15: Constance's 23rd birthday.
  
  • Constance's second son born 1971. Child #3 of 6 (David)
• Fall:
  
  • Sharon Huddle attending American River College, Foothill Farms?
  • Joe Jr. still attending California State University Sacramento in East Sacramento. Bonnie still attending as well.
• October 4: Rebecca's 29th birthday.
  
• October 21: John's 22nd birthday. John is back from Vietnam.
  
• November 8: Joe Jr's 26th birthday
  
• December: Joe Jr. attends Rebecca's husband's birthday party in Exeter. As reported on January 5 in the Exeter Sun.
  
• Assumed Joseph Senior is still living in Korea
  

1972

• Winter:
  

  Rancho Cordova police began receiving reports of a cat burglar near Mills Middle School. Reports included that he sometimes stood outside the homes without pants. And sometimes he broke into the home and touched sleeping women. He only stole coins, rings, and keepsakes. And he would burgle multiple homes in a night.
  After residents in Rancho Cordova had gone to bed, he would open the kitchen or sliding glass door and quietly strike. As he entered, he made sure to first plot out his escape and then often headed for the bedroom — where he would linger and watch unsuspecting homeowners sleep. Along the way, he’d grab purses and wallets and sometimes seek out special trinkets like coin collections, car magnets and photos of female residents.
  In one particularly chilling episode in Rancho Cordova, a sleeping woman was awakened to find a man standing by the door to her bedroom, according to the Sacramento County Sheriff’s Department website. After she sat up in bed, the man said, “I just took a dollar off your dresser.” The unidentified victim asked him to leave and not take the money. The man complied and left two dollars on the dresser before leaving. He walked down the hallway and stared at the victim’s 17-year-old daughter, and before he walked out of the house, he grabbed a quarter and a nickel off a table near the door, according to the Sheriff’s Department.
  After one of these burglaries, a witness told investigators that they saw a suspect departing from one home in a green Opel sedan.
  During his string of burglaries the suspect was known to kill small dogs by blunt force as well. The suspect would hit several homes in a given night. In several instances, the cat burglar would take only money and then leave the purses or wallets nearby. “Occasionally they were left elsewhere in groups with other victims’ property from the same night,” according to the Sheriff’s Department website.
  These burglaries began in 1972 and there was a drop-off at the end of 1972. In. the spring of 1973, the suspect began again.
  

• Joe Jr. still attending in California State University Sacramento
  
• February: The first victim to make the papers, Pups.
  
• February: Joe Jr. was trying to break into a house when the dog next door would not stop barking. Joe reached over the 5-foot high fence and battered the dog with a piece of wood, cracking his ribs, knocking out teeth and breaking his jaw. The dog's death was reported in the local paper. Home burglaries and dog killings were regularly reported in the paper as well. Dogs were sometimes shot in a their yards, then pulled into living rooms and left to bleed to death.
  
• April: Sharon Huddle is 19
  
• June 22: Terry DeAngelo (John's wife) will face a jury for selling $10.00 worth of marijuana to an undercover officer.
  
• August 12: Bonnie's wedding day. Bonnie marries an accountant. The wedding is reported in the Auburn Journal. More than 125 people attended the double ring ceremony at the Sunset Community Covenant Church in Rocklin. The newlyweds planned a honeymoon on the Spanish island of Majorca.
  
• August 15: Constance's 24th birthday.
  
• Fall
  
  • Approximate: Joe Jr. bought a house less than two miles from Bonnie and her husband.
  • Sharon Huddle is attending American River College, Foothill Farms
• October 4: Rebecca's 30th birthday.
  
• October 21: John's 23rd birthday. Unknown date: John graduates from Sierra College in Rocklin, with an Associates degree.
  
• November 8: Joe Jr's 27th birthday. Sharon Huddle is 19.
  
• A gap in the burglaries occurred at the end of 1972.
  
• Assumed Joseph Senior is still living in Korea
  

1973

• January-March/Approximate:
  

  In Rancho Cordova, the renter behind the burglarized property the dog was trying to protect discovered that his house provided a pathway for backyard intruders. He nailed his gate shut and the next morning it was kicked open.
  

• Spring:
  

  Cordova cat burgles resume, still around Mills Middle School. He also branched out to Carmichael, Citrus Heights, and other nearby areas. He was known in the reports as "the cat burglar that strikes the Rancho Cordova and East Areas of Sacramento."
  Joe Jr. was breaking in while residents slept. He ignored expensive items, but would grab a purse and drop it in the bushes outside. Three or more homes would be hit in a single night.
  More than 50 homes were entered in the first six months of 1973. Sergeant Shelby thought it was kids. But sometimes victims woke to see a man in the bedroom. He even touched a woman's breast, and ran when she woke up. Some victims said their home was broken into, but nothing was stolen. It was just like he had gone through the women's underwear.
  It never crossed Judy’s mind, living later as a young woman in her parents’ Rancho Cordova house during a rash of Peeping Tom activity, that the hooded face she saw at her window one night, paralyzing her with fear, could be DeAngelo.
  

• June/Approximate:
  
  • DeAngelo graduates with a Bachelors Degree in Criminal Justice from California State University Sacramento.
  • DeAngelo enrolled in an internship for the Roseville PD
• April: Sharon Huddle is 20 and attending American River College
  
• May: May be unrelated prowler
  
• May 12, 13, or 14: Green corvette incident originating at American River Hospital.
  
• May: DeAngelo joins the 10-Man Exeter Police Force
  
  • May 23: Exeter Sun
  • DeAngelo plans to marry Sharon Huddle in November.
  • Sharon Huddle was a friend of DeAngelo's best friend's wife. (Sharon Huddle was Mike Schneider's wife's friend?)
  • Photo
  • News clip
  • DeAngelo took classes at the police academy at the College of the Sequoias in Visalia.
  • College of the Sequoias is the epicenter of the ransackings, and where Claude Snelling taught Journalism.
  • DeAngelo was eventually promoted to Sergeant in May of 1976.
  • Farrel Ward said DeAngelo lived in Visalia and worked in Exter.
  • According to Joe's marriage license and other redditers, Joe lived in Exeter in 1973.
• June: DeAngelo is a police officer with the Exeter Police Department
  
  • June 6: DeAngelo helps stop burglaries
  • June 20: DeAngelo helps stop burglaries in Exeter
  • June: May be unrelated prowler
  • July 11, 9PM: DeAngelo assists with crime stopping
  • July 11: DeAngelo involved in a high speed chase wherein the driver escaped on foot.
• August 15: Constance's 25th birthday.
  
  • In 1973, Constance moved to a home on Winchester Way in Rancho Cordova.
• August: DeAngelo is a police officer with the Exeter Police Department
  
  • August 22: DeAngelo profiled in the Exeter Sun. Another version
  • September: Incidents may not be related to VR
• Friday, September 14:
  
  • DeAngelo in Sacramento for Jim Huddle's wedding.
  • 11AM Cordova Cat Burglar Sarda Way attack in Rancho Cordova.
  • Evening - DeAngelo attends rehearsal dinner for his brother-in-law, Jim Huddle in Sacramento
• Saturday, September 15:
  
  • Brother-in-law, Jim Huddle, gets married in Sacramento.
  • Joe is in the wedding party.
• September 30:
  
  • Joseph Senior retires from the military.
  • Release date from service was September 30, 1973. By then he was almost 54 years old, so that was probably his retirement date.
  • Unknown timeline: Joseph DeAngelo Sr. ended up in South Korea, where he had another set of kids. According to Constance's son, Joseph senior named his second set of three kids the same as the first: Rebecca, Joseph Jr., and Constance. However, one redditer says Joseph, Sr. only had two additional children in Korea. And that their names were Robert and Constance.
• October 4: Rebecca's 31st birthday.
  
• October 21: John's 24th birthday.
  
• November 8: DeAngelo's 28th birthday.
  
• November 10, 1973:
  
  • DeAngelo marries Sharon Huddle in Auburn
  • Auburn First Congregational Church.
  • Church Interior
  • Larry Schneider is the best man.
  • Marriage Certificate, indicates DeAngelo is living in Exeter and Sharon Huddle is living in Citrus Heights.
  • Wedding Photo
  • Additional Wedding Photo
  • Wedding Photo Enhanced
  • Wedding Announcement.
  • April: Sharon Huddle is 20 and attending American River College
  • Joseph Senior is still living in Korea

Golden State Killer Timeline II >>>

Reminiscing on my fiance and I’s trip to Japan! I used this sub to plan a lot of things so I wanted to write up a trip report! Thank you to everyone on this sub for your trip reports and advice. This was my second time in Japan and my fiance’s first. We had an amazing time and can’t wait to go back again. We are 28/F and 37/M and live in NYC.
Notes

• Transit: We both downloaded the Suica app and loaded money onto it using Apple pay. This was so convenient, there were only a couple of times we had to buy a ticket for public transit. We did not buy a JR pass because the cost of our train tickets pretty much added up to the cost of the JR pass and we rode some trains that were not included in the JR pass, it didn’t make sense for us. We used the bus and subway to get around mostly.
• Google Translate: used this a lot to translate signs/photos and talk to people who didn’t know English
• Navigation: we used Google Maps which was amazing for both walking and navigating public transportation. We loved how it told us where to exit in train stations as well as which car to get on, so cool! Wish we had this in NYC.
• Coronavirus: I won’t mention it other than here. News had been coming out about coronavirus before our trip but we still decided to follow through with going. At this point not everyone was wearing masks, people in Japan were talking about it way more than people in the US. None of our planned activities were impacted at all.
• I bought this really awesome book on Amazon before our trip and we used it to find tons of restaurants in Tokyo.
• I also created a Google Map with places of interest / restaurants / our hotels so if we ever didn’t know what to do I would just open this map and see what was nearby.
• 7/11: We ate a crap ton of food from 7/11 so I won’t mention it throughout my report but we ate countless onigiri, egg sandwiches, and other sandwiches that we were obsessed with.

​
Wednesday, January 29th and Thursday, January 30th Flight & Tokyo
Morning
We had a direct flight from NYC > Narita. We lucked out by getting emergency exit seats at the check-in counter. We were obsessed with the corn soup they served, so good! We purchased round trip JR Narita Express tickets for $38 each in the JR office in the train station. I had to show my passport to purchase.
Evening
Hotel: Onsen Ryokan Yuen Shinjuku
We checked into our hotel around 6pm. I had purchased a wifi buddy that was delivered to our hotel. In hindsight I kind of regret purchasing this, we used wifi whenever we could and we both kept forgetting to connect to the wifi buddy / letting it die. Both of our phone plans offer international usage for $10 a day, the wifi buddy was kind of a waste of money because our phone will automatically charge you $10 as soon as you start using international data. I feel like this subreddit persuaded me to rent one 😂
Onsen Ryokan Yen Shinjuku was a really cool hotel! It had an onsen on the roof that we used a lot. The room was extremely small so I think our one regret was not upgrading to a larger room, none were available when we checked in. We stayed here for 4 nights.
After settling in we went to the onsen to clean off and relax. For dinner, we went to this amazing Japanese BBQ restaurant in Shinjuku called Jiromaru. It is standing room only and has room for around 10 people. It was a perfect first dinner in Tokyo. We ate some amazing Wagyu beef and veg. We wandered into a Pachinko place on the way home and blew some money!
Restaurant and food photo
​
Friday January 31st Tokyo - Shinjuku, Meiji Shrine, Harajuku and Kichijoji.
Morning
When we checked in we decided to book a traditional Japanese breakfast at our hotel the next morning. It was really delicious but in hindsight I think we should’ve eased into full on Japanese food as we were still jet-lagged and fish grossed me out for the rest of the day (even though I love it) lol.
Breakfast
We both walk a ton normally so we opted to walk a lot of places to soak in the city! We explored Shinjuku and then headed to the Metropolitan Building for a view. There was a tour guide there telling us a lot of fun facts. It is cool that it is free!
Next we walked to the Meiji Shrine, there was some sort of wedding or ceremony going on. I purchased a goshuincho book at the shrine and got a stamp!
We then headed to Harajuku. We went into a store with all the toy dispensers which was really fun. We also went into an owl cafe but it ended up being really sad and I regret spending money there, I wish we did more research on this. We were really exhausted from walking a billion miles so we went into a little french cafe and had some drinks before going home to rest.
Evening
We booked this Kichijoji drinking tour through Airbnb experiences and it was one of the highlights of our trip. Kichijoji was only a 15-minute train ride from Shinjuku and was such a COOL place. We never would’ve gone without this tour but it ended up being our favorite neighborhood in Tokyo. The tour mainly took place in Harmonica Alley.
Before the tour started the guide gave us all these hangover drinks, I think they worked, we ended up drinking them every night before imbibing 😂We went to a bunch of the little 6-8 person bars. I mostly drank lemon sours. Each bar had its own specialty food, we ate at one of them and had horse sashimi for the first time! The tour included 1 hour of unlimited food and drinks at a big Izakaya barestaurant place where we had lots of snacks and drinks, played drinking games, and the waiters chugged beers with you. We ended the night at another bar that had karaoke, we also hung out outside and drank corn soup from a vending machine.
Kichijoji / Airbnb tour photos
​
Saturday, February 1 Tokyo - Fish markets & Kappabashi-dori street (kitchen district)
Morning
I don’t know whose idea it was to book a 6 hour, 6am tour of the fish markets after our drinking tour, but we pulled through. We booked this tour through Airbnb experiences and LOVED IT as well. Our tour met at the Toyosu fish market and we did not want to mess around with the subway that early, our hotel booked us a cab for 5:15am and it showed up right on time.
The tour ended up being longer than 6 hours and we covered SO much. The guide dropped so much knowledge on us.

• Toyosu Fish market, walked around where vendors are selling everything, saw tuna auctions. Saw a guy filet a fish and held a bunch of fish / crabs.
• Tsukiji fish market, walked around the outer market and bought Dashi and a few other items to take home
• Asakusa Shrine
• Went to the guide's home and his wife prepared us a meal with the fish we had just purchased at the market. This meal included A LOT of sake! We got to eat day old / fresh tuna and the difference was interesting, we ate special tuna from the head, a huge crab, oysters, sashimi, tempura, freshly grated wasabi (2 ways) and so much more. He also had a cool ice cream machine and we all made our own cone

Tour and meal photos
Evening
The tour ended around 4pm and I’m not sure how we managed to continue our day after 4 hours of sleep and copious amounts of alcohol the night before but we stuck with our plan to go to the kitchen district. Maybe it was all the sake at lunch?
We went to a bunch of stores on kitchen street. We bought knives, cups, bowls, and miniature food magnets. We bought the knives from Kamaasa, they engraved our knives which was really cool. We also bought stuff from Dengama and Asakusaumegen. I’m pretty sure we took the subway back home and had a lowkey night afterward.
​
Sunday February 2 Tokyo - Akihabara, Jimobocho, Shinjuku, Yurakucho
Morning
The next morning we forwarded our luggage to our hotel in Kyoto with the help of the front desk. For 2 large suitcases and one carry on it was around $50. We were a little nervous doing this but just went for it, we each brought a backpack to carry our essentials.
We went to Golden Gai for breakfast and had yakitori, we just stopped at a random stall where a woman was already cooking food. It was so good!
Photos of breakfast
After breakfast, we took the subway to Akihabara which was probably one of our favorite neighborhoods. We went to Don Quijotes, M’s, Mandarake, and a few other unplanned shops we wandered into. One of the highlights of Akihabara was going to a maid cafe, there were so many choices but ended up going to u/home cafe. We had to stand in line for around 15 minutes. Some people were leaving and getting back in line which was crazy! We paid for coffees and 2 polaroid photos. We felt like if you spoke Japanese it would’ve been more enjoyable but was still a really cool experience. Props to the people who work there because after 30 minutes it was a sensory overload.
After our jaunt around Akihabara, I was determined to get some Japanese curry. The Tokyo book I purchased had an entire section dedicated to curry, so it was time. The book recommended the Jimbocho neighborhood to get curry, it also is known for used book stores. We first tried to go to Curry Bondy, we took an elevator upstairs with another couple and realized that there was a winding line all the way down the staircase. Both couples got back in the elevator, the other couple got in line but we were too hungry to wait. We ended up going to another place recommended in the book called Ethiopia, which was also busy but had seats for us right away. We paid for our meals at a vending machine. A woman came over and asked us how much spice we wanted, I opted for no spiciness and my fiance got medium spicy, based on how much he was sweating whilst eating the curry, I can confirm medium was very spicy. I’m also pretty sure she gave us something different than we ordered on the vending machine but she probably knew best.
Photos of Curry
Evening
We went back to the hotel to rest for a bit then headed back out. Before dinner, we went to Kurand Sake Market which was really freaking cool. You pay for unlimited sake for certain amounts of time, you can also bring in your own food. Since we were going out to dinner afterward we paid for 30 minutes. I think there are a bunch of locations but we went to the one in Shinjuku near our hotel.
We wanted to go to a new area so we headed over to Yurakucho where there are a bunch of restaurants and bars under the tracks. It was pretty dead when we got there and a lot of restaurants were already past last call, it seems like this place is better to come to during the weekday. We ended up getting some gyoza at a place that was still open which was really delicious!
Afterward, we went back to Shinjuku for some karaoke. We went to a place called Karaoke Kan. It was so cool! We got our own private room and if we wanted to order drinks we just picked up the phone in our room and someone brought them to us.
Sake market, dinner, and karaoke photos
​
Monday, February 3 Tokyo > Hakone
Morning
We took the Romance car train from Shinjuku Station to Hakone-Yumoto station. It was about a 1.5-hour train ride. I had booked our seats in the front of the train as soon as I could (I think it’s 2 months in advance?) and then we purchased a limited express ticket & Hakone free pass at the station. After we got off at the station we walked to our Ryokan, it wasn’t too far of a walk. We bought so much food on the train because it came in themed Romance car packaging. We also got an amazing view of Mt. Fuji on the way.
Hotel: Yama No Chaya Ryokan
This Ryokan was amazing! We had never stayed at a Ryokan before and we arrived earlier than check-in so we dropped our stuff and went off to explore Hakone. We stayed at this hotel for 1 night. We had our own onsen in our room as well as other onsens in the hotel we could explore. The nightly rate included breakfast and dinner. The woman who was assigned to our room was amazing and very attentive. We both agreed that it was really cool to do this for one night but we wouldn’t have wanted to stay here longer as we like to go out and explore and this is the kind of place you stay and relax.
We toured around Hakone. We took a bus (used the free pass to pay) to Togendai Station to see Lake Ashi and took the pirate ship sightseeing cruise, we opted for an upgrade to sit in the front of the ship. After the cruise, we got on the cable car and got off at Owakudani. We did not eat black eggs but we walked around a bit. We hopped on another cable car and got off at the end, the railway was closed so we took a bus back to our hotel, the bus didn’t accept the free pass so we had to pay. All of these activities were a lot of fun and it’s really cool that it’s included in the free pass.
Hakone tour photos
Evening
We went to the hotel bar dressed in our yakutas and had a couple of drinks. When it was time for dinner, we ate our kaiseki dinner in our room, which was delicious and so. much. food. After dinner the hotel staff switched out our table for our beds. The rest of the night we went into one of the Ryokan’s public onsens, our own private onsen, and watched movies on our little TV in the room. They had a DVD collection in the lobby.
Photos of ryokan and dinner
​
Tuesday, February 4 Hakone > Kyoto
Morning
In the morning we had our kaiseki breakfast and checked out at 10 (checkout was really early). We took the train to Odawara on the Odakyu limited line then went to Kyoto from there on the shinkansen. We had a bit of time in Odawara so I grabbed some Udon noodles. We hadn’t booked any of these trains, we were able to just buy tickets at the station.
Photo of udon
Hotel: The Thousands Kyoto
This hotel was BEAUTIFUL. The hotel was right next to the station which is about a 20-minute walk to the touristy areas of Kyoto. We stayed in this hotel for 2 nights.
When we arrived at our hotel our luggage was waiting, yay! We got some drinks in the hotel bar then walked to the Fushimi Inari shrine. The walk was about 45 minutes. It was dark by the time we got to one of the viewpoints and we had a really pretty view of the city.
Kyoto hotel photos
Evening
I think I was extremely jet-lagged this night and passed out but fiance went out and had dinner and drinks somewhere.
​
Wednesday, February 5 Kyoto
Morning
In the morning we slept in a bit and eventually walked over to Nishiki market. Before leaving our hotel we sent our luggage off to our hotel in Tokyo, it was the same price as before. We were hungry and hadn’t eaten proper sushi yet so we decided to eat at Sushi No Musashi for brunch which is a conveyor belt sushi place, so yummy! Afterward, we took a long bus ride over to the Tenryu-Ji Temple, bamboo forest, and Arashiyama Monkey Park. The bus ride was kind of cool since we got to see a lot of Kyoto.
Photos of sushi and bamboo forest area
Evening
Later on, we took another bus ride to the Kyoto University area and just walked around. We had our sights set on Tonkatsu for dinner but it didn’t open until 5pm so we stopped off at a random cafe called Trentanove for drinks and an appetizer. It was completely empty except for us and a man taking a cappuccino design lesson. Super cute place! It oddly started hailing outside while we were there for a bit. Finally, the restaurant we wanted to go to for Tonkatsu was open, it’s called Tonkatsu Yamanaka, so we made our way over. The door was locked but the owner heard us trying to come in and opened up. I guess Google was showing the incorrect hours and it actually opened a ½ later than Google said. It was an old school restaurant with wood paneling and old school TV playing the news. The owner was so nice and gracious and chatted with us a bunch.
Drinks, appetizers, and Tonkatsu dinner
​
Thursday, February 6 Kyoto > Tokyo, Kichijoji
Morning
We were supposed to stay in a capsule hotel in Kyoto for another night but felt we had seen enough of Kyoto and wanted to go back to Tokyo. We liked Tokyo a lot more than Kyoto. Thankfully we hadn’t pre-booked our train or capsule hotel so we were able to go to the station and book a train to head back to Tokyo.
Evening
Hotel: Park Hyatt Tokyo
We had been psyched to stay at this hotel for our entire trip. We, of course, were inspired to stay here by Lost in Translation. This hotel was awesome, we spent a lot of time at the New York bar and loved our room. The only downside was that it is not close to the station in Shinjuku, the walk is 20 minutes. They did have a shuttle to the station every half hour that we used to get around but we probably wouldn’t stay here again based on location. Our luggage was waiting for us when we arrived!
It took a few hours to get from Kyoto to Tokyo. After we checked into the hotel we relaxed and went to the hotel bar. After the bar, we headed back to our beloved Kichijoji for more Harmonica Alley drinking and ramen!
Park Hyatt, Kichijoji, and ramen photos
Friday, February 7 Tokyo, Bunkyo City, Shinjuku
Morning
After a nice lie-in, we went to a Tamago Kake (egg over rice) restaurant called Kisaburo Nojo. I’d been wanting to go here after seeing them go to it on Terrace House. They have several different menu items but the star of the show is being able to go up to the egg table and pick out which eggs you’d like to crack over your steaming hot rice. They have all types of eggs, some hens are only fed rice their entire lives which makes the eggs a different color. The food was excellent and I was happy to Terrace House fangirl out for a bit. We walked home which took a few hours.
Tamago Kake photos
Evening
After resting at the hotel, our next stop was the robot restaurant! We were expecting something really cheesy, fully flying our tourist flags, we were pleasantly surprised with how well of a production it was. We bought drinks and popcorn and watched the show. The pre-show was almost better than the actual show.
​
Saturday, February 8 Tokyo - Shinjuku, Shibuya, Ebisu, Meguro
Morning
Our last full day in Japan, so sad! We went back to the same yakitori place in Golden Gai for breakfast. We had not been to Shibuya yet so we hopped on the subway down to Shibuya. We went to Starbucks to watch the people on the giant crosswalk which was fun! One food that we had not yet eaten was soba so we stopped by a soba restaurant called Kamiyama in Shibuya, it was delicious and had really pretty decor.
Breakfast, Shibuya and soba photos
Evening
Time for another alley! We decided to explore Ebisu Yokocho. We were debating whether we should go back to Kichijoji but we decided to go somewhere new. This alley was inside of a building which was different than the others we’d visited before. After downing some hangover drink we walked through a few times to try and find a seat. We ended up at Bekohira which is a place famous for their beef tongue. We stopped at a few other places for other snacks. We wanted to continue exploring and we were still hungry (how?) so we walked to this yakitori restaurant in Meguro called Kushiwakamaru, it was awesome! There was a guy next to us that had been going to the restaurant for 10 years and he told us what to order. We ended the night at a punk rock bar called Tatemichiya, it was cool but extremely smoky inside.
Ebisu and Kushiwakamaru photos
​
Sunday, February 9 Tokyo and Flight
Morning
Fiance wanted ramen for breakfast so he went to piss alley to get ramen at this vendor we’d seen another early morning. I wanted to do some last-minute shopping. I stopped by Beams (love this store) and the Depachika in Shinjuku to buy some goodies to bring home. I was so excited to find this prime minister cup we saw at the restaurant the night before, we tried to buy it from the restaurant but they said no. Later on, we took a cab to the Shinjuku station and caught the Narita Express to the airport. The flight home was smooth.
Oops, that was really long! I hope you enjoyed the report and I can’t wait to go back to Japan. Feel free to send any questions over!

Hey Housewives fans &/or those who want to look like a Real Housewife🙋: here's a list of Taobao finds as seen on the hit Bravo TV shows.

Intro (rambling)
I know this franchise is basically all petty rich* women drama, but it entertains me, I adore it and I enjoy the nonstop flexing during all the wine glass and shade-throwing. I've been taking screenshots while watching on my computer, basically anything that catches my eye and that I would want myself, but also random moments and inspo. Table below of housewife looks and the corresponding W2Cs. I tried to choose W2C links I would personally cop: items that have been ideally purchased before and well-reviewed from sellers with decent reputations.
This is a personal project—I find myself constantly bookmarking and taking screenshots and pics I see of things out & about, and this all taps into my love of curating inspiration boards. They say “take a picture, it’ll last longer” and that’s what i started doing because things are happening so fast and there’s just so much to look at. During this process I discovered bigblondehair.com that does something similar, but it's still fun grabbing stills from the show and it doesn't list everything (it did help me ID a bunch of things though and I took some screenshots from there too)...
Don't you love that phenomenon where you don't really care for something, then u start seeing people wearing it and the more u see it, it ends up growing on you? (*cough, dior book totes* among many other things)... Maybe "FOMO" kinda describes it. Or how about "RL exposure syndrome"? Haha. Also, in addition to housewives being style inspo, being a RL who sees what everyone's buying has made my taste more “bougie” in general woot woot 💁🙌
Anyways, I really enjoyed doing this. It's basically data entry which is very calming for me, plus who doesn't enjoy browsing the ✨magical world of taobao✨? I listed several links for each item (as backups bc links do unfortunately die), from budget to higher cost options. Note: I would def go to TS if you want "1:1" or amazing quality, particularly with bags. I like TB for clothes, shoes and accessories, and of course low to mid-tier bags I plan on using as "beater bags," if I want to try a bag out, or just a low-cost option for a trendy bag.
⭐️ = favorite I plan on getting
disclaimer

👚👕 Tops

ITEM	W2C
Marlo's Chanel Coco Cuba T-shirt	¥45, ¥88, ¥258
⭐Erika's Fiorucci Vintage Angels tee	¥59 has correct Fiorucci script font
Erika's Versace floral-print shirt	print clearly off: ¥79, ¥80 short-sleeved
⭐Dorit's Gucci Old English Glitter Rainbow shirt	¥70, ¥180, ¥229
Dorinda's Gucci Short-Sleeve Crewneck Top	¥198 (ask seller for more pics), ¥598
Dorinda's Gucci red embellished sequins shirt	Longsleeve green/white colorway: ¥108, ¥138, ¥430; GUCCI on back (dogs on front): ¥268; fantasy?: ¥130, ¥598
⭐Brielle's Gucci "Cities" T-shirt; PSPS	¥118
Eileen's The Kooples Lace Up Butterfly Top	Similar blouse: ¥118, ¥125; dress sketchy sellers: ¥95, ¥219
Bethenny's H&M x Balmain Pearl Embellished Blouse	¥205, ¥268, ¥280
Tamra's Alice + Olivia Cabot Top	¥99
Tamra's Leith Mesh Ruffle Top	¥59, ¥65, ¥192
Kyle's Robert Rodriguez Silk Leopard Print Shirt	In red: ¥53
Tinsley's Derek Lam 10 Crosby Cashmere Turtleneck Sweater	Similar: ¥27, ¥79, ¥129, ¥79-148, ¥228, ¥268
Eva's Denim wrap blouse	¥104 (Madewell dupe)
Bethenny's Zadig & Voltaire Skull Blazer	Gray market?: ¥2150; Skull-front top: ¥358, ¥360; Inspired (blouse): ¥99, ¥198, ¥230

🧥 Sweaters & Jackets

⭐Tinsley's Wildfox Stars V-Neck Sweater	$26 from ZAFUL; AE $17.99 ZAFUL; TB: ¥68, ¥129, ¥146
Bethenny's Gucci Tiger Embroidered Rainbow Wool Sweater in Multicolour	¥81, ¥98, ¥148, ¥158 ... note: tiger not 1:1
⭐Bethenny's Central Park West Abbot Kinney Butterfly Sweater	¥145, ¥153; very close: ¥188, ¥199, ¥269
⭐Tanya's BALENCIAGA Intarsia knitted sweater	¥25.80, ¥98, ¥136, ¥188; unbranded "give me five" ¥49
Kyle's Sandro Lightning Bolt Cardigan	¥129, ¥278, ¥285
Dorinda's Adidas Originals Women's Active Icons Cropped Hoodie	Gray market?: ¥329, ¥369, ¥369; Similar: ¥168, ¥299
Dorit's Ben Taverniti Pink Distressed Sweatshirt	Similar: ¥15.90, ¥40-45, ¥50, ¥65, ¥65.40, ¥90
Tinsley's Skull Cashmere V-neck Sweater	¥39, ¥74
Porsha's Sunset & Spring Star Embellished Denim Jacket	Similar: ¥78, ¥104, ¥256, ¥286
Porsha's Sunset & Spring Patched Denim Jacket	Random patch jackets: ¥118, ¥158; ⭐Gucci-esque cats jacket: ¥399; jacket/⭐short: ¥75-89; ⭐skirt: ¥39, ¥118, ¥128; see store: Visidy
Bonus boohoo Embellished Denim Festival Jacket $76	¥89; similar: ¥620, ¥940
Bonus Topshop Dolly Sequin Fringe Denim Jacket	¥115, darker ¥145, ¥154; ⭐Matching skirt: ¥398
Bethenny's Topshop Crystal Denim Jacket	Similar pearl-embellished: ¥109, ¥148, ¥158
Tanya's Alice + Olivia Cody Fringe Moto Leather Jacket	Plain leather: ¥200 (PU), ¥598
Teddi's L'Agence Star Studded Jacket	Similar tops: ¥30, ¥33 (wear backwards?)
Kyle's Fleur Du Mal sheen trench coat	Close: ¥267, ¥319; non-sheen: ¥140, ¥198

👖🩳 Bottoms

⭐Denise's L'Agence Margot Embellished Side Stripe Crop Skinny Jeans	Similar: ¥36, ¥46, ¥69, ¥129; Express: $30
Bonus Mother High Waisted Looker Ankle Fray Guilty Glitter Racer $228	¥149, ¥298
Dorit's Gucci Striped metallic tech-jersey leggings	¥339
⭐Dorit's Gucci Brown GG Cotton Jacquard Leggings	Similar: ¥115, ¥141, ¥150, ¥528, ¥598
Erika's Olivia Von Halle Lila tiger satin pajamas	Could not find top, but here are bottoms: "men's" shorts ¥39 (option 5), pants ¥39
Tanya's LV Jeans	¥175, ¥290, ¥499
Lisa's Pam & Gela Cropped Flare w/ Lurex Stripe	Inspired: ¥40, ¥59
Brielle's Leather red side-stripe leggings	¥33, ¥39; Similar: ¥58, ¥59; $29 sale

👗 Dresses/Skirts

⭐Bonus Gucci Strawberry-print Denim Skirt (fantasy?)	¥85, ¥88, ¥119
⭐Bethenny's Gucci San Gallo Orange Ruffle Lace Dress (IG)	¥278, ¥1550
⭐Bonus Self-Portrait Orange Floral Lace Midi Shirtdress $470	Gray market?: ¥728-788, ¥780, ¥828-858; short dress: ¥139, ¥258, ¥310, ¥658
Tinsley's Alice + Olivia Odelia Lace Midi Dress	¥135, Red: ¥80
Tanya's Alice + Olivia Annetta Tiered Lace Midi Dress	¥728, ¥728, ¥768, ¥788
Bethenny's Zimmerman floral tier dress	¥285, ¥298, ¥328
Tinsley's Self-Portrait Pink Tiered Lace Scalloped Mini Cocktail Dress	¥228 (pic), ¥298, ¥338
Tinsley's Saint Laurent Gold Strapless plissé-lamé mini dress	¥474
Tamra's Lulus Maxin' Relaxin' Multi Print Maxi Dress	¥45, ¥69
Tinsley's Parker Natalie Floral Silk Dress	¥455, ¥465, ¥475
⭐Carole's Alice + Olivia Shannon pleat skirt	¥880, Wide leg pants: ¥890
Lisa's Ganni Floral-print crepe de chine wrap maxi dress	¥273, ¥339
Tanya's Valentino 1973 Striped Rainbow Dress	¥66; long: ¥70, ¥72
Dorit's Storia Smocked Floral Dress	Inspired: ¥48, ¥70, ¥75, ¥288, ¥365
Lisa's RIXO London Chrissy Dress	Inspired: ¥258; ¥189, ¥489
Eva's Fillyboo Butterfly Kiss Dress in Pink Vanilla	Boho-inspired: ¥65, ¥119, ¥128, ¥168

👘More Clothing

⭐Bethenny's Lirika Matoshi Stars in Her Eyes Sheer Dress	¥85, ¥298, ¥319
Dorit's Versace Native American print bra top & trousers	Similar bra top: ¥255, ¥298; pants (part of suit set): ¥302
Teresa's KIINI Yaz Bikini Top	cheap: ¥35, ¥45, ¥65; diff colors: ¥48, ¥58
NeNe's Gucci Rose Garden Silk Kimono	¥568, ¥75-159 3-piece set, ¥618 3-piece set, ¥79 blouse, ¥588 cardigan
Tinsley's & Carole's Alice + Olivia Lynn Mixed Print Jacquard-Trimmed Long Kimonos	closest: ¥1990; similar: ¥72, ¥99, ¥240
NeNe's Fendi Wool & Silk Poncho	¥39, ¥169, ¥450;
Erika's Pam & Gela red/blue red & blue side-stripe tracksuit	¥109, ¥119, ¥180, ¥110+
Lisa's Alexis polka-dot Shona Jumpsuit	¥79, ¥168
Bethenny's Black/white classic silk PJs	¥95, ¥98, ¥118, ¥310
Dorit's Shhh Silk x The Beverly Hills Hotel Palm Leaves Dressing Gown	Amazon PJ set $24-29; Inspired: ¥65; romper ¥35, 2-piece ¥49; Dresses: ¥59, ¥119, ¥169; Flamingo print: H&M men's shirt ¥99, dress ¥180
NeNe's Camilla black & white printed long cardigan & matching pants	Inspired: ¥138

👛👜 Bags

Erika's MCM Stark Bebe Boo Backpack In Cassette (Pink)	¥48, ¥268
Kenya's Chanel gold sequin classic flap	¥1300 ask seller for branded pics
Dorit's Balenciaga Souvenir Belt Bag XS	¥68, ¥116; Branded: ¥208-218, ¥1150
⭐Lisa's Balenciaga City Nano City AJ Bag in black, yellow (Porsha)	Couldn't find nano 😔 ...budget PU minis (at ¥88, don't think these are branded): one, two, three (note: NBF doesn't seem to currently make the nano size but I'd go for quality mini fr them**)
Tinsley's Gucci Pink Velvet Wallet-on-a-Chain with Love	¥480
Jackie's Chanel Patent SilveBlack Glitter PVC Chevron Small Boy Flap	Unbranded: ¥119, ¥368; Branded: ¥1500
Bethenny's Gucci Soho leather chain backpack	¥99, ¥254, ¥1240
Kyle's Tiffany blue Chanel Classic Flap bag; PICS of Linda lambskin SHW from u/iRockChannel 's review	TS, high-tier from 187/God factory;
BIRKINS & KELLYS (Hermes bags in general)	Angel or Mr. Birkin (from SYMode factory), other TS/sellers, TB
Louis Vuitton	From DHgate to Nancy, OC, TonyLuxuries, etc.
Chanel	From TB to 187/GF
Misc Bags

🕶️👓 Eyewear

Teddi's Ray-Ban Hexagonal Sunglasses (Prescription)	Prescription: ¥49, ¥68-168
NeNe's Thomas James LA by Perverse Rose Gold Sunglasses	¥39, non rose-gold: ¥39
Dorinda's The Wynn Pink Computer Reader Glasses (alt color)

💁Belts

Kyle's Gucci snake buckle belt	¥49, ¥68, ¥79, ¥168, ¥198
Yovanna from Clark's Gucci GG Stripe Belt "she was that bitch"	¥268
Kelly's Gucci GG Marmont Crystal Buckle Leather Belt	¥298, ¥538
Tanya's LV Initiales Reversible Belt	Amazon: $11, $12,$12.99-$15, $15.54, $26 prime
Asa's Moschino logo belt	¥149, ¥299, ¥398

👠 🥿👡 Shoes

Tinsley's Alexandre Birman 'Clarita' Ankle Tie Sandal (metallic alt)	¥149, ¥168, ¥466
Kyle's Sophia Webster Rosalind Gem Strappy Sandal	¥268, ¥286, ¥292
⭐Bonus Gucci Strawberry Ace Sneaker $730	¥238, ¥298, ¥328
⭐Bethenny's Saint Laurent Stars Sneakers	¥168, ¥168, ¥278, ¥294, ¥450
Tinsley's Golden Goose Star Sneakers	¥268, ¥276, ¥288, ¥369
NeNe's Saint Laurent Niki Swarovski crystal boots	¥475, ¥558

💍✨ Jewelry

What started it all: Lydia's Chanel Star Rhinestone Earrings (couldn't find a pic of Lydia wearing them)	Original link dead but ¥266 TB link
Dorit's CHA -NEL large letter Metal & Strass dangle earrings	¥28, ¥35, ¥260
Tamra's Jennifer Behr Estrella Earrings	¥135
⭐Lisa's Jennifer Fisher Samira gold-plated hoop earrings	AE: large $1.12, small $2.99; $6.99 target, $42-68 etsy; thinner version TB ¥46-63
⭐Teddi's Celine Knot necklace	¥5.99
Bethenny's Horoscope constellation dainty necklace	AE ("925" silver): $2.25, $5.48
⭐Melissa's Pave small dog tag necklace	MK rep: ¥12; "925" silver: ¥79;
Luann's London Collection 7 Diamond Graduated Star Necklace	Similar fr AE: $7.28, $8.53, $8.91, $10.43, $11.19
⭐Teddi's Delicate turquoise beaded lariat necklace	Similar fr Etsy: $36, short: $16, $17.26
Arm Candy (Rollies, Cartier watches & bracelets, etc.)	TS that are known for 18k jewelry like Miss Chen, Li, Wenzhi, etc.

🧣 Misc Accessories

⭐Teddi's Alexander McQueen skulls scarf (throw)	¥99, ¥138, ¥298, ¥599
Luann's Hermes twilly	Similar: ¥25, ¥29, ¥30, ¥38
Sheree's Chanel Baguette Crystal CC Star Brooch	¥27 (not sure about "CC")
⭐Dorit's Gucci Crystal single hair barrette; PSPS (credit to u/040917 :)	¥198, unbranded "CUTIE" fr AE $2.18
⭐Dorit's Sparkly rhinestone hair barrette	AE, most orders first: $4.65, $2-3; Misc stamoon: 74¢
⭐Dorit's Oversized silver hair clips	¥0.47,¥3.80, ¥10, ¥14
⭐Dorit's Pearl hair pins	¥1.30 TB (has dia accent I'm not too sure about but lots of reviews), $1.63 AE (I bought this); Bonus pearl clips: 1, 2, 3

🦄🍄Misc Misc

Hermes Avalon throw blanket	¥148, ¥328; pillow: ¥188-248
Hanging birds decoration	Inspired wall decor: ¥30.70 (¥153.5 set), ¥31.90 (¥159.5 set)
Kitson Banana Leaf Swan Float	Plain kid/pet-sized swan float: ¥25, ¥35 so cheap I can't say how safe this would be 🧐
Audi kid's strolleelectric car	¥450, ¥778, ¥1699 (for those who are in Asia? bc shipping would suck)
Bonus Saint Housewives prayer candles $16+

If you made it this far...

1. What's your fave housewives city/cities?
2. Who's your fave housewife(s)?
3. Ex-housewife you wish would come back?
4. Least favorite housewife?
5. Best dressed?
6. F^uckM^arryK^ill?
7. Extra credit (1 pt): Do you think LVP is lying or telling the truth about Dorit's dog fiasco?

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Sorry for any weird formatting and thanks for reading! :)
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Edit: attempt to fix some formatting, updated intro imgur link (screenshot on Mac instead of PC), added question about LVP